Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The End, For Now

Two hundred days ago, I gave birth. And life as I know it changed forever.

Over the years many of my friends who had kids would say this to me, "Your life will change. You have no idea..."

I had no idea.

The change is so profound, there are no words to accurately describe it. Which is why, I suppose, all my friends would let that sentence hang, "You have no idea..."

Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I am a different person now. With the birth of my daughter, came my birth as a mother.

Becoming a mom is the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I thought it was hard and scary to move to Toronto by myself. I thought it was hard and scary to throw out my abusive first husband. I thought it was hard and scary to pick up the pieces and move on with my life.  Looking back on all of that, it was a fucking cake walk. Shit got real the minute my daughter entered our realm.

I've had a really tough time. Postpartum depression and an anxiety disorder came crashing down on me. I thank God and the Universe and all that is good that I have my husband. I would have died in the first 5 months if I didn't have his support. And I'm not using a figure of speech here, I would have literally died. Hormones are a very powerful force over which one has no control.

Knowing what I know now, if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. And I won't. My daughter is going to be an only child. My husband thinks I'll change my mind once some more time has passed, but I knew the second she was pulled out of me that I was done. Game over. She is my one and only.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter more than my own life. I love her in ways I never knew existed. But holy shit I do not love the gong show that my body and mind have become. I do not love sleep deprivation. And I do not love that every single moment of my life now has anxiety humming in the background.

There moments when I look at her gorgeous little face and my mind is absolutely blown. How the hell did she get here? How did my egg and my husband's sperm know how to do this? How did my body know how to give her what she needed to grow? We made a PERSON. It's so fucking weird when you think about it. No wonder someone made up a story about a stork delivering babies. Because the idea of a stork flying along with a baby and dropping it at your front door is perfectly sane and totally more believable than what actually happens.

So this is going to be my last post for now. I've definitely reached the end of a chapter in my life.  I don't know when I'll be back, but I know I will be.

Until then, here are some things about my girl that I want you all to know, and for me to remember:

She has her father's eyes and my ears
She was born with a head full of hair and didn't lose any of it
She's funny and feisty
She pushes her bottom lip out and falls asleep after she's eaten at night
She wiggles her arms and legs really fast when she's excited
She sneezes a lot
Her breath smells like sweet apples
She has the poutiest pout I've ever seen
She sucks her left thumb when she's really tired or upset
She laughs when I pretend to chew on her thighs
She knows how to pose for a camera

Here's my favourite picture of the two of us. She was only 10 weeks old.

And here's one from a few weeks ago on my birthday.
I only dreamed about my happy ending back when I wrote this. Look at me now. Wow.