Thursday, December 30, 2010


I have the flu.

*cue sympathy violins*

I'm not surprised I have something, given the ridiculous stress and anxiety moving has brought on.

For the first time since in a long time, I barfed from sickness rather than alcohol poisoning.

Happy effing new year to me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Ever since I had my wallet stolen, I've become this super paranoid person whenever I'm walking on the street or riding the subway.

I was walking back to the office from my lunch break, when a little old Asian lady tapped me on the shoulder as I stood on the corner waiting for the light to change.

I jumped about 50 feet in the air!! When I finally figured out I wasn't being assaulted, I realized she was asking me directions to an address written on a piece of paper she was holding.

As I leaned over to take a look at the address, I noticed her little old husband move in closer to take a look as well.

Turns out they were only a block off the mark and I sent them on their merry way.

And then I checked my pockets to make sure my wallet and Blackberry were still there.

GAH!! I hate being so hypersensitive! It's one thing to be careful, and it's another thing to be freaked out whenever a human being talks to me.

I hope the new idyllic life I'll be living in St. Catharines will bring me down out of the tree I've climbed into.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Last Call

This is the end of the road folks. My last weekend as a resident of the Tdot has come to a close. Three more sleeps and I'm gonzo!

Friday night was spent at dinner with my department. Of all the IT shops I've worked in, my coworkers are definitely the coolest cats. We ate at a great place on the Danforth called Mezes. I ate like a pig, which isn't always a good thing, especially when you've got a gig to do immediately afterwards.

As dinner was wrapping up, a lot of people looked too tired and too full to continue east to my gig.

I've grown a thick skin when it comes to people bailing on my gigs. It always starts with, "Oh of course I'll be there!!" But then usually around an hour or two before showtime, I get a ton of "Oh man, I can't go because (insert excuse here)."

And it's okay. I know live music ain't everyone's bag, and it's getting close to the holidays, blah blah blah. So I was totally prepared for zero work peeps to show up.

I left the restaurant about 20 minutes before I was due on stage to start the show (which resulted in a slew of texts from my boys wondering where the heck I was!) resigned in that I'd be singing to the bar flies and the staff. One of my managers was nice enough to give me a lift to the bar. (He couldn't make it to my show as he had family coming in from out of town that night.)

I was helping the boys set up when two of my coworkers showed up. YAY! I immediately bounded over to them to say hello, even though we had just seen each other twenty minutes earlier.

After I finished thanking them for actually showing up, I went back to the stage.

And then about ten minutes later, something happened that has never happened to me in the four years I've been playing with my band.

The rest of my coworkers arrived in one big group!

I think my heart just about burst out of my chest when I saw the twelve of them walk in.

In my mind I was screaming, "You like me! You really like me!" I can only imagine how big the smile was on my face.

They all stayed for a set and a half, which was even more than I could have hoped for. I totally rocked out and they were all duly impressed. :D

As awesome as Friday night was, Saturday night's show was a complete bust. Aside from The Comedian, not one friend showed up. Zero.


So much for my big send off. Gah.

The Comedian suggested we rethink who we invite to our wedding. If my friends can't find an hour to come say goodbye to me, maybe they would just bail on our wedding too. And that would end up costing us $$$.

In spite of the fact that none of my friends came, we still had a freaking amazing show. The place was packed so it wasn't like no one was there. I told the crowd this was my last weekend in the city and nothing would make me happier than to watch them rock the dance floor. And they did not disappoint!

This afternoon The Comedian and I went to a performance of The Messiah at Roy Thomson Hall, with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra and The Toronto Mendelssohn Choir. My coworker is in the choir, so it was extra super cool to be there.

I cried a few times during the show. I think it was a combination of the extraordinary performance and the fact that this would be my last show as a resident of the city. From now on, I'll have to make special plans to catch a musical or see the symphony.

I just sent The Comedian home with a car load of stuff. (Gawd, I have a lot of stuff!) Next time, I'll be in the car with him. And that thought cuts through all the sadness around leaving this city for good.

Friday, December 17, 2010


Sometimes, I just cannot hear what someone is saying.

I have found in the new office, it's even harder for me to hear. It's a half-wall cubicle farm. So there are no tall walls off which one's voice will bounce into my ears. Instead the sound just keeps travelling across the floor.

Coworker: Asd;fasdlkjf?

Me: Pardon?

Coworker: Areasd ljing afwe safmorro?

Me: Excuse me?

Coworker: Are. You. Going. To. Be. In. Tomorrow?

Me: Yup.

I hate to say it but I think it's time I start looking into a hearing aid.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Just Work Here

Okay, I know that I'm the bottom rung in my department, but sometimes I just want to climb up a few and smack the people who are higher up than me.

I am an assistant, not their fucking mother.

If someone can't fill in their name on the form that is going to give them overtime pay, then I believe the pay should come directly to me, since I'm the one stuck filling in the pertinent information.

I know exactly how much each person in my department makes. And it makes me sick that the ones who are making $40K/year more than me don't know how to fill in their name on a fucking form!

Is it 5pm yet?


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm a Winner!

We had a door decorating contest at work yesterday and my department WON! WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

I'm especially proud as I was the one who came up with the idea for the company to have the contest.

I was also the one who drew our prize - a gift card to the LCBO.

Clearly I am able to find booze, no matter what form it takes. :D

Friday, December 10, 2010

Future Forward

My soon-to-be-sister-in-law told me she's already made her hair appointment for my wedding.

My good friend @CaptainBrownCow told me she's already found the shoes she will be wearing to my wedding.

I think everyone else is way more excited about my pending nuptials than I am.

It's nice to have something to look forward to. :D

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Pink Collar Published

My friend Leslie had an article published in the Globe and Mail.


Brava bella!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

All He Was Saying

Maybe in some alternate universe, he is still making music.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

All Set

We've set a date and booked the reception hall. Here is a photo of where we will be rocking the night away.

It's soooooooooo pretty in person. From the moment I walked in, I knew this was *the* place.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I May Actually Be Blonde - Part II

Seeing as I moved all my furniture on Saturday, I had nothing left to sleep on at the apartment. So The Comedian and I took a trip to Canadian Tire and purchased an inflatable mattress.

I didn't get back from St. Catharines until yesterday morning. I had to get up at 5:30am, leave by 5:50am in order to get into Toronto by 7:30am, and still have enough time to shower and head in to work.

So by the time I got home from work yesterday, my brain was pretty much a puddle of mush.

I pulled the air mattress out of the box and read the instructions - twice.

I started pumping the foot pump vigorously.

Pump, pump, pump....

The mattress was starting to fill slowly but it looked like it wasn't getting much bigger.

Pump, pump, pump....

Twenty minutes later, I started to think perhaps there was a hole in my brand new mattress. So I stopped pumping and started to look for the hole.

I found the hole right away. It was the large release valve on the side which was uncapped.


I screwed on the cap and 10 seconds later the mattress was inflated.

I suck. (However, I will use sheer exhaustion in my defense.)

Monday, November 29, 2010

Best Day Ever!

We moved all my stuff down to The Comedian's place on Saturday and after unloading the truck, we ordered pizza for all the helpers. We sat around drinking, eating and laughing (thank goodness there was laughter after all that moving) and at around 6:30pm, our guests headed home.

I was all ready to start unpacking and organizing when The Comedian told me he received a text from his best friend saying he and his wife were going to drop by the house with a card to congratulate us on the move. I thought that was very nice and so I put down the box I had started attacking and headed to the couch.

The Comedian then suggested that he greet his buddy in the Elvis jumpsuit he'd worn for Halloween. "He didn't get a chance to see me in the suit." I thought that would be hilarious and awesome for him to answer the door as Elvis.

So I hung out in the bedroom as he was getting changed. I asked him if he'd like me to do up his hair like I did for Halloween. "No, it's okay. It's too short now anyway."

We headed back to the living room and he started to describe how he would like to sing an Elvis song to me at our wedding reception. We'd discussed this idea before but this time he went into more detail.

"Depending on where we have the reception, I hope the stage would have a curtain because I want to come out from behind it in my suit."

He dropped an Elvis CD into the stereo, cued up "Can't Help Falling in Love" and then went in behind the drapes that hang in the window in the living room.

He popped out as the song began and I started to laugh. It was so cute!

He was singing along to the song and doing a little performance for me. He took my hand and we started to dance in the living room. The whole time I'm thinking we're just filling time waiting for his friends to arrive.

Near the end of the song, he twirled me around to face the Christmas tree. And at the end of the song, he took the red scarf he was wearing and draped it around my neck, and then he dropped down to one knee. I'm still thinking "awww, he's so adorable".

While he was still holding my hand, he twisted around and was fiddling with something under the tree.

"What are you doing honey?"

He turned back around with a white box in his hand.

"Will you marry me?"

He opened the box and there was the ring!

At this point my brain turned off and the tears started pouring out of my head. I am not really sure what happened after that. I think I said, "Sure!" and he put the ring on my finger. I just kept crying and laughing and hugging and kissing him. I remember saying, "Thank you" a lot! LOL

I think it took me close to a half hour before I calmed down enough to stop crying. And then I remembered that I should probably call my Dad and my brothers. Dad answered on the first ring - he was absolutely thrilled with the news. My brothers did not answer, but I did get a text from Nugget a little later asking what was up. So I phoned him with the news, and of course he & my soon-to-be-sister-in-law, aka the woman responsible for everything were both very happy. I still have yet to talk to my other brother and sis-in-law, but I left it as a voicemail for them.

After phoning a few other people, we popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate!

I have to thank The Comedian for making me the happiest girl in the world. And he turned what was a very stressful and emotional day for me into the best day ever! It was absolutely the most perfect proposal and it will be a moment I will always treasure! I can't wait to tell this story to our kids!

Looking back on everything I've been through over the last four years, I can hardly believe this is even happening to me. I never thought I could be so happy. I never thought I could meet the man who is truly my soul mate.

I will wake up every morning for the rest of my life and thank everything that is good, for having him and having the chance to finally live the life I've only dreamed of.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Pack Rat

I. Have. Too. Much. Stuff.

I don't know how the hell it fits in 525 sq.ft. but it does. I have TONS and TONS of stuuuuuuuuufffffffffffff.

I am a known pack rat. This stems directly from the fact that I have only a handful of items that belonged to my mother. So my brain twisted that into me not being able to throw anything away.

If I were to die tomorrow, the person stuck going through all my shit would know exactly who I was, where I've been, who my friends were, what televisions shows I watched and pretty much everything else under the sun that makes up the mosaic that is Paprika Spice.

As I've been packing, I really have tried to throw stuff away. And I just can't bear to do it.

I've got a ton of magazine articles, posters and pictures on a lot of my favourite celebrities, films and television shows. I have stuff from grade school, high school and university. I have pictures of myself and my family from years gone by. I have keepsakes and ornaments and memorabilia.

And all of it is totally awesome!!!

Gaaaaaaaaahhhhh........ I should get back to packing now. :P

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I have a massive wood hutch that is part of the dining room set that belonged to my mother. The table and chairs are at my Dad's house.

The hutch is the guardian of my keepsakes, many from childhood.

I am in the process of packing, so I have to empty the beast of my treasures before The Comedian and his brother-in-law come to move it on Saturday.

Of course I've been stopping to look through some of the stuff.

Bad move.

Note to self: Stop looking at this stuff because you will lose your fucking mind.

I found the proofs for my high school graduation photos (I never ordered any as we couldn't afford them), my acceptance letter to university along with a scholarship letter for $1,400 (that was a lot back in 1994) and a Christmas card from 1984, the year my mom passed away.

The Christmas card was from my Grade 3 teacher from Malta. We had gone there because my mother wanted to die surrounded by her family. That teacher knew the situation and took it upon herself to look after me and make sure I was doing okay at school.

She was kind enough to send me a card after we had come back to Canada, which was about six months later.

I don't think I ever wrote her back. But I was nine years old, and I had just lost my mother. I suppose my teacher would have understood.

That card has set off a waterfall of tears. I've been bawling my eyes out for the last half an hour. I decided to stop and blog because I needed something to distract me long enough so I can calm down.


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Is It Me?

I went to dinner last night with my friend Shylah and she was feeling super queasy. So we left the restaurant before she blew chunks.

Today I attended a performance of Priscilla Queen of the Desert with my friend Marie. She felt super queasy and had to leave at intermission.

Why are my friends wanting to barf when I'm around?

I hope they both feel better soon!!

(And I really hope I don't get it!)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Release Me

This afternoon, The Comedian and I met with his cousin, The Monsignor. We started the paperwork to get ourselves married in the Catholic Church. Which means the Church has to officially release me from my first marriage. I'm lucky in that I wasn't married in the Church, otherwise I'd have to go through the annulment process which is apparently way worse than being simply released.

Although this is supposedly simple, I wish I had known exactly what was about to transpire so I could have been better prepared emotionally.

For about an hour, it felt like I was being interrogated by the FBI on behalf of God. I had to answer all sorts of questions about my first marriage, my ex, his family and their religious participation (or lack thereof). It really really SUCKED that my stupid ex is all over my petition to the Church.

At one point, I just about started bawling. The Monsignor had asked, "Why did you get married in Las Vegas?"

Seriously? Are all those details actually necessary? Shouldn't God know all this?

I sheepishly answered, "I love Elvis, and I wanted to get married by Elvis." I managed to keep the tears from squeezing themselves out of my eyeballs. He didn't flinch and wrote my answer down word for word.

I was about two seconds from calling the whole thing off when The Monsignor changed his line of fire to target The Comedian. Because he's never been married before, he answered a grand total of four questions - name, parents names, faith and intended date of ceremony. Gah. That'll teach me to have a previous marriage.

We signed and dated the papers. And at that moment, it struck me that today would have been my Mom's 72nd birthday.

She most definitely has her hand in this union.

With that, The Monsignor told us to come back in a few months to pick out the readings and the music for the ceremony. He put our wedding date into his calendar and that was that.

I cried all the way home in the car. The Comedian didn't really know what to do, which was fine. I just needed to bawl about the fact that my past transgressions are now on my permanent record with God.

Forgive me Father, for I was naive. I promise I won't be stupid again.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I May Actually Be Blonde

Just hand me the "Dumbest Move of 2010" award right now.

In the morning, it's never a straight line for me from waking up to leaving for work. It's always been a challenge for me to stay focused on getting ready. There are so many more fun things to be doing instead of showering, getting dressed and eating breakfast.

So yesterday morning was another such frenetic one. I was doing everything but getting ready.

I looked at the time and saw it was about 5 minutes until I had to be stepping out the door and I was still sitting there in my bathrobe.

I jumped up, whipped my bathrobe off and threw it on the couch. I ran into my bedroom, threw on some clothes and then headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Then I ran back and grabbed my bathrobe and hung in on the back of the bathroom door.

I got my coat and shoes on, picked up my purse and had just step out of the door when I suddenly realized I didn't have my keys.

Well this isn't anything new. There's been a million times I've physically stepped outside my apartment without keys in hand. But I always take that moment to pause and check before letting the door shut and lock.

I checked the usual pocket for my keys and they weren't there.

Then I checked my coat pocket. Not there.

Then I went back inside and check on the couch, which is where they usually land after coming home and chucking them.

Not. There.

Okay, now I was a little panicked but again, this wasn't unusual as sometimes they fall off the couch or the cat gets at them.

I got down on my hands and knees to look under the couch.


And this is the part where I pulled off my coat and proceeded to rip apart my apartment.

They were 100000000% NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!

I messaged my coworker and asked to her let my boss know the situation and that I was going to be late for work.

I tried thinking about what I had done with them after unlocking my door. I remember noticing a piece of paper under my door and becoming distracted by.

Maybe I had left them in the doorknob?

I had done this once before in the building before moving here. The neighbours across the hall grabbed them and gave them to my super.

So I called my super to see if maybe this was the case.



I had to get a hold of her to figure out if a) she had my keys and b) if not, to get the spare set off her.

Half an hour later, she was at my door with the spare set. No one had turned in my keys.


I spent the whole day at work being miserable and worried that my crazy neighbour across the hall snagged them and would be waiting for me in my bed when I arrived home after work.

Turns out he wasn't waiting for me, but my super was with the new keys. She changed my locks so that I would have some peace of mind.

She handed me the shiny new key to match my shiny new deadbolt and shiny new doorknob (They really are shiiiiiiiiiny!). I thanked her and apologized for the ruckus of the morning and the trouble of having to change the locks.

I shut and locked the front door behind her and then went into the bathroom.

I shut the bathroom door and sat down on the toilet, which faces the door.

And then a miracle happened.

My keys were suddenly dangling before my very eyes.

They somehow had managed to wrap themselves around the belt of my bathrobe, hidden by the sleeve. I didn't notice the keys when I had hung my bathrobe back up. The keys had been hanging there all day!!!!


I finished my business and then phoned my super to let her know I'd found them.

I don't think I've heard her laugh that hard in the 4 years I've been living here.


Friday, November 12, 2010

Another Sister

Last night, my little brother Nugget phoned me with the fantastic news that he proposed to his girlfriend!!!

YAY!!!! I'm getting another sister!!!! :D

And here is the mammoth 1.5 carat diamond ring my brother presented her with. She is a huge fan of blue diamonds. All I can say is WOW.

Looks like Summer 2011 may be a really busy one for my family!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

For The Fallen

I will never forget the fallen. Their sacrifice gave me freedom.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Cultural Divide

Pretty much every Tim Hortons I've been to in the city of Toronto has their front line workers made up of predominantly Asian people, more specifically Filipinos.

I go to a new Tim's now that my office has moved from one side of the core to the other. I've noticed something that while not glaringly obvious, does exist and quite frankly shocks me.

Being a really busy location, they have two lines serviced by three workers each. One is on the cash, and two are fulfilling the beverage order.

And what struck me was that one line had three Caucasian workers, and the other line had three Asian workers. I see the same set of workers grouped together every single morning.

I also noticed that more Caucasians lined up to be served by the Caucasian workers even when the line up to the Asian workers was shorter.

People's prejudices are plain as day.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Band Betrayal

I'm really fucking mad at my bass player.

A month ago, I emailed him and the rest of my band to let them know of a contest the LCBO was running. Entitled "Whisky Soul", they were looking for people to reinterpret a song written by Matt York. Prizes include studio time, a PR person to work with your band, and booze.

My email had the subject line "I WANNA DO THIS!" and I went on to say how totally awesome this would be and that I really, really, REALLY wanted to take a crack at it. My bass player emailed back and said, "Awesome, let's do it".

And then I heard nothing else from him or the rest of the band.

I was at dinner last week with Beaner when my cell phone rang. It was my bass player.

BP: Don't call me a traitor.

P: Okay I won't. Why?

BP: Well, me and *another singer and another band* put up a video for the whisky contest.

P: (silence)

BP: You're gonna vote for us right?

P: No I'm not going to vote for you, TRAITOR.

Now it's no secret that the guys in my band are also in other bands. We've had many a-gig we've had to decline because someone had been booked the same night with another band. That's never bothered me.


He didn't even know about the contest until I told him. And he knew how much I wanted to do it.

What this tells me is a) he clearly doesn't give a shit about my feelings, b) he likes the other singer and band better and c) he's a fucking asshole.

He and I have had minor disagreements over the four years we've been in the band together. But this takes the fucking cake.

I'm so pissed right now I don't even know how I'm going to perform on Friday without kicking a hole into his stand-up bass.

For those of you who know me in real life, if he comes sniffing around asking for votes, please tell him to eat shit on my behalf.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Help From Above

The Comedian and I are going to be married by his cousin, in the largest cathedral in St. Catharines.

This cathedral also happens to be the one I was baptized in, and the one my family regularly attended before my Mom passed away.

I really think my Mom had something to do with aligning the stars for The Comedian and me to meet.

And I'm pretty sure she's really happy about where we'll be tying the knot.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Twisty Tie Engagement

The Comedian and I went shopping a few weeks ago for *the* ring. Here's what I picked out:
And since then, I've been bugging him about when I'm getting it. I'd like to have it sooner rather than later because a) it's PRETTY and b) we're moving in together.

He really wants to surprise me with it. And I'm like, why bother? I know what I'm getting because I picked it out.

I know I should be a little more romantic about it, seeing as this is his first marriage. And I've been there, done that.

However, I've never been known to be a patient person. So I've been working the ring into any of our conversations. For example:

Comedian: It's a really nice day out.

Paprika: Yes it is. But you know what would make it even nicer?

Comedian: What?

Paprika: My engagement ring. It would sparkle so nicely in the sunlight.

But instead of getting exasperated, he thinks I'm funny! Another reason why he's the perfect guy for me.

So this past Saturday, he presented me with a place holder.

So cute eh?! I've been wearing it every day and believe it or not, people actually ask about it. So I tell them it's the place holder until the real one arrives. Everyone loves it!

And honestly, if this is the only ring I get, I will wear it proudly. As pretty as jewelery is, I love him so much more.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Why Can't He Just Disappear?

I got a message from a friend of mine via Facebook. He told me that received a LinkedIn request from my ex-husband.

"I'm actually at a loss for words."

Yeah, me too.

So of course, I logged into LinkedIn and trolled his "professional" page.

I want to fucking scream. Everything on there was taken from the resume I did for him. This takes me right back to here.

Why is it that after almost 4 years of being separated, he's STILL popping up?

FUCK OFF AND DIE WILL YOU?!?! Okay, maybe not die, seeing as he has three children. And as much of a dick as he is, I would never wish those kids to be without their father.


Why, why, WHY can't he just stay the hell out of my life?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fun Fun Fun

Oh Halloween, I love you so much!

Here we are as Janis & Elvis:

Here we are as Rizzo & Danny:

Hope your Halloween was spook-tacular! :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

My Foot Is Sore

Since getting my tattoo last week, my foot has swelled and bruised and the tattoo has wept.

I've never had this experience with a tattoo. And it's not like I'm new at this. I had 7 tattoos done before this one so I felt pretty confident in what to expect.

Um yeah, it feels like a horse stomped on my foot. I'm quite surprised at the amount of pain I'm experiencing. Usually I can just walk around with a broken foot and not really notice.

I googled "foot tattoo healing" and I don't like what I read. Apparently the foot is the most difficult spot on the body to heal after a tattoo.


But even if I had known this prior to getting it done, I still would have gotten it on my foot.

And even having said that, I think I'm allowed to complain a bit.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Oh Toronto

Self-inflected wounds always bleed the hardest.

Geez Toronto....

Now I'm really, REALLY glad I'm moving.

Monday, October 25, 2010

New Faces

Ontario goes to the polls today for municipal elections. There are a whopping 40 candidates in the Toronto race. That's just not necessary.

I voted in the advanced polls a few weeks ago and got to try out the nifty new touch screen polling stations.

I threw my vote to Joe Pantalone, aka Joey Pants, aka the deputy mayor. The polls say he's got no real shot at winning but I don't care. At least I will have the right to complain when someone else wins because I actually cast my vote.

But I will only have a new Toronto mayor for nine weeks. And then, my mayor will be whoever the residents of St. Catharines elect.

I really hope that jackass Rob Ford doesn't win. Because even though I won't be living in the Tdot anymore, my friends still will be and I don't want the city to suck even worse after I'm gone.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Oh Go Suck On It

"I'm always shocked by people who talk about not being middle-aged...People are always like, 'Thirty-five is not middle-aged.' I'm like, 'Double it.' "

– Julianne Moore, who turns 50 in December, to Allure.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

20 10 2010

Today is cool for three reasons.

The first reason is the date - 20·10·2010. And please note, I've posted this at 20:10 (8:10pm for those who aren't down with the military way of telling time).

The second reason is today a bunch of people banded together to raise awareness on an important issue affecting LGBT youth - suicide because of bullying.

It's #SpiritDay and those participating have worn purple and changed their Facebook and Twitter profile pictures to this:

The internet is awesome for grassroots movements. Earlier this month it began on YouTube with the "It Gets Better" project.

I have a lot of LGBT friends who I'm sure were bullied as teens. But they made it through those awful years and became the super awesome, fun loving people they are today. People I am proud to call friends and who I love with all my heart.

To all the LGBT youth - BE PROUD! We love you exactly as you are. And I promise, it gets better!

And to all those bullies out there - go suck a lemon. Seriously. Every time you open your mouth to say something mean, stick a lemon in it and suck until you get canker sores.

And the third reason is because I got a tattoo to honour Jelly's mom.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

That's How He Rolls

I went up to Yonge & Eglinton to meet a former coworker for lunch today. Y&E has to be one of the busiest intersections in all of Toronto, both traffic and pedestrians.

There was a young man in a wheelchair in front of me as we both crossed Eglinton, moving north on the west side of Yonge.

As we got to the corner, there was a large group of people waiting to cross east who were blocking the sidewalk.

Most of them were aware enough to move out of the way. However, there was one douche ticket who stood his ground.

So the guy in the wheelchair did the only thing that should have been done - rolled right over that asshole's foot! I laughed so loud! I was gonna high five the guy for his awesomeness but he wheeled away pretty fast.

I hope that asshat learned his lesson. Don't fuck with physically challenged people. They are way more badass than anyone gives them credit for.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's All Good

My Dad loves me again.

We saw him briefly on Saturday afternoon and we had dinner with him last night. He was totally normal again. He gave me big hugs and kisses the way he always does when he sees me. He was engaged in the conversation at dinner and had a big smile on his face.


I hope he never gets mad at me again.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sweet Face

The subway ride into work can be really interesting and wonderful - that is, when I'm not being shoved, stepped on and/or yelled at.

This morning I had a small, sweet moment on the train.

There was a young, black woman with Down Syndrome standing just across from me. She was wearing a pink raincoat, blue jeans, and a Hannah Montana backpack. She was listening to a CD Walkman. Yup, an honest-to-goodness Walkman.

As people boarded the train, she would smile and make eye contact with them. When another black woman boarded, she struck up a conversation with her. Her eyes were wide and bright, like she was talking to a much loved older sister.

As she got off at Spadina station, be-bopping to the music in her headphones, the rest of the riders made way for her to exit.

I wish everyone would be that kind every day to everybody.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cold Turkey

On Saturday night we had our family Thanksgiving dinner at my little brother and girlfriend's new house.

My Dad hasn't spoken to me since the email I sent him last week. I knew I would be met with a less than friendly reception, however I didn't anticipate he would just flat out ignore me. He ignored my sister-in-law as well, who had taken my side in the battle.

I forced him into a hug when he arrived, after which he plunked himself down on the arm chair, away from the rest of us.

The rest of us were drinking, nibbling on snacks and chatting before dinner. He just sat there, silent.

At dinner, I made sure to sit beside him so that I could force him into a conversation. And yeah, he gave me two word answers to everything I asked him. He should have saved himself the effort of forming actual words and just grunted angrily at me.

The minute dessert was finished, he got up to leave. I again, forced him into a hug. He shook The Comedian's hand and said it was nice to see him. At least his anger didn't extend on to my boyfriend by association.

I hope my Dad gets over this sooner rather than later. I know what I did was awful, but I had no choice. His safety was my number one concern. I hope he knows I did it out of love for him.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Another Angel

I just received the devastating news of the passing of Jelly's mother.

She was like a second mother to me. I've called her "Mommy" since high school. She loved me as if I were one of her own.

She loved music. That's one of the things we bonded over. She took me to many musicals in high school. One of my favourite memories was seeing "Forever Plaid" with her at Art Park in Lewiston, NY. I was actually brought on to the stage at one point in the show and joined the cast for a rendition of "Heart and Soul". She was so proud of me!

She loved to travel. She went to Japan around the time I was graduating from high school. I remember sitting around the kitchen table, practicing conversational Japanese with her. We learned how to ask where the bathroom is and how to order beer. She brought me back these, which I have kept to this day.

She has been suffering from MS since the late eighties. She was diagnosed as chronic progressive. She eventually ended up in a wheelchair and later in a nursing home.

I can't remember when it was that I saw her last. I think it was in the spring of this year. Jelly and I went to see her at the nursing home.

We sat around and talked and ate chocolate and then took her outside to the courtyard. We sat under the gazebo and talked and laughed and then she got tired. We wheeled her back to her room and made sure to get her what she needed before we left.

I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her she looked great.

"Bye Mommy, see you soon!"

"See you soon Paprika!"

I never got around to visiting again. And I am so heart broken that I didn't.

The worst part of this story was that Jelly was in Florida when her mom passed away. This was the first vacation she's ever taken with her husband and kids. And I know one of the reasons it took until now for them to take a vacation is because Jelly had to be around to take care of her mother. Jelly has been her mother's primary care giver for the better part of Jelly's adult life.

I wish I could transport myself to Jelly's side, scoop her up, and tuck her inside my heart to protect her.

There isn't going to be a formal funeral as she didn't want everyone to stand around crying over her. She's already been cremated and her ashes will be interred by the family on Tuesday. There will be a memorial service at the church she used to attend in our hometown on Saturday October 16th. My family, The Comedian, Blondo and I will all of course be there.

I think she's up in heaven hanging out with my mom now. They are probably singing songs together and watching over me and Jelly.

RIP JRS. Sweet dreams. xoxoxo

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Over the last week and a half, I've been dealing with a family crisis. My father decided it would be a good idea to welcome in a homeless woman to help her "get back on her feet". This woman is a known drug user and prostitute. But somehow she managed to convince my kind-hearted father she is simply misunderstood.

I cannot describe to you the shit storm this has stirred up between my father, myself, my brothers and all our significant others.

My father is mad at all of us for questioning his judgement. Seriously Dad? SERIOUSLY?!

My brothers are mad at me for going immediately to red alert upon learning of this. Seriously Brothers? SERIOUSLY?!

My brothers' significant others are mad at my brothers for not going immediately to red alert. Good girls!

And The Comedian has been my rock in all of this. He has been kind, supportive and completely calm through out. I'm seriously shocked he has not broken up with me at this point after witnessing a screaming match between me and one of my brothers on Sunday night.

Today I decided to throw down the gauntlet to end this insanity once and for all. I sent a lengthy email copying everyone on it making it clear to my father that if he does not tell this woman to leave immediately, I will cut him out of my life forever. I told him he had to choose, and if he chose her, that would be the end of our relationship.

The email was mean and nasty and 100% an ultimatum. But I would rather deal with the fall out from that than having to deal with the police phoning me to tell me they've recovered my father's body because that woman's pimp came by looking for his money and drugs.

The email worked. Within two hours, my father sent an email confirming the woman is now gone. I'm not sure how mad he really is at me because he signed the email "Love, Dad" as he always does in every email he's ever sent to me.

However my brothers hate me now and sent me separate emails to that effect. According to both of them, I'm a horrible person for forcing my father into a corner, my email was out of line and completely uncalled for and I should apologize immediately.

But I'm not going to. Because I knew it would be the only way to get through to my father. I'm just glad he didn't prove me wrong because I know how stubborn he can be. I was only 99% sure he'd pick me over that woman.

I don't think we'll be having Thanksgiving dinner as a family this weekend....

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

More Reasons Why Toronto Sucks

Here are more reasons why I should get the hell out of Toronto ASAP:

* Having some bitch yell, "WATCH IT" at me as I bumped past her idiotically huge back pack on a packed subway train during rush hour. Seriously?! TAKE YOUR PACK OFF BIATCH AND THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE TAKING UP THE SPACE OF TWO AND A HALF PEOPLE.

* Anyone who has ever stood in front of an empty seat on a packed streetcar/subway/bus. IF YOU SIT DOWN, ONE MORE PERSON CAN GET ON!

* Standing under a semi-enclosed canopy on TTC property while waiting for a streetcar, and having three assholes light cigarettes, RIGHT UNDER A NO SMOKING SIGN! OBVIOUSLY YOU DOUCHES ARE UNABLE TO READ PICTURES!

* Having to write a letter to my building owner demanding he pay to repaint my car seeing as nobody has done or said anything about it in the four weeks since it first happened. LET ME SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT IF I THROW PAINT ON YOUR CAR!

* And this guy. If he wins the mayoral election, I'm moving to Arkansas. Because the red necks there have more class than he does.

I think I'm getting an ulcer.

Monday, September 27, 2010

We're Still Friends

The Comedian and I attended our first NHL game together on Saturday - Leafs vs Sabres at the HSBC Arena in Buffalo. It was a pre-season game, but a live game nonetheless!

Blondo and her hubby came with us. A bonafide double date! Mr. Blondo is a big Leafs fan as well. Blondo and I figured since we'll be hockey widows, at least we can suffer in our misery together.

I warned The Comedian that I am a Sabres girl and that my team was gonna KILL his team!!!

He was a very good sport about it all. Even when I did the Running Man for a victory dance after the Sabres' third and winning goal.

I'm glad we can love teams that are mortal enemies, and still be best friends. :D

Afterwards we ended up in Blondo's basement for drinks and cards. We turned a modified version of rummy into a drinking game. Our poison was shots of Amarula. The person who loses the round would have to take a shot.

Since The Comedian was driving, I was his drinking designate. And let me tell you, even with my expert help, he is tragically terrible at cards.

The funniest moment of the evening came from Blondo. She wanted to read us the label on the back of the Amarula bottle. She said she had discovered something about it the day before that she wanted to share with us.

She began reading about the mystical properties of the Marula tree, the fruit from which is used in the drink.

"It is a drink that is flavoured by elephants! Can you believe that? What do the elephants do to flavour the drink? I think they must pee on the trees!"

We laughed at the idea of the elephant pee seeping through the soil and into the roots of the tree and flavouring the fruit which ultimately ended up in the shots we'd been drinking.

The Comedian interjected with, "Maybe the elephants just favour the tree?"

All of us stopped and thought about that.

"Are you sure you're reading that label correctly?"

She grabbed the bottle and peered at the label. And then she looked up at us and turned a bright shade of red.

I grabbed the bottle from her and confirmed it. A drink FAVOURED by the elephants!!! Not FLAVOURED!!!


Mr. Blondo pointed out that she had been so convinced of this, she even posted it to her Facebook status the day before. I think we laughed for about 10 minutes straight.

I love my BFF (Blondest Friend Forever)!!! :D

Friday, September 24, 2010

Apparently I Hate Myself

I could not fall asleep last night. It took me until about 3am before finally passing out.

And in the short four hours of sleep I did manage to get, it was filled with nightmares about my presentation being a complete disaster.

I woke up with a mammoth zit on the side of my chin. At least that took away some of the focus from the scabby mess that is my bottom lip.

On the bright side, my presentation got two thumbs up.

I'm *this* close to collapsing at my desk.

T-minus ten minutes until home time. I get to leave early today because 1) I didn't get my lunch break and 2) one of my managers is having an end of summer BBQ at his place for our department.

I will try very hard not to get completely bombed off one glass of wine. I still have a long drive ahead of me later to see The Comedian.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Cold Sores and Ring Worm

I have a big presentation tomorrow that I have been working on all week.

In honour of this, my lip busted out in a cold sore which has left me looking like someone punched me in the mouth. I can see everyone staring at it because it's just freaking huge and a bloody mess.

I also managed to convince myself that I had ringworm.

A few days ago I was sitting at my desk, working on my presentation and tearing out my hair because the phone would not stop ringing. As I was on a call, I noticed my left arm was super itchy.

I looked down and saw this (FYI, this is a Google image, and not my actual arm):

I recognized it immediately as I studied this in the many years of biology I took in university.

So of course I googled it just to make sure and yup, that is the classic clinical presentation of ringworm.

How on earth would I have contracted ringworm? Did I catch it from my cat? Did I catch it from The Comedian's dog? Did I eat too many mushrooms? How the hell was I gonna get this treated? I still haven't found the time to get to the lab for blood work that my doctor ordered three weeks ago.

The phone started ringing again, and again, and again. Then it was time for lunch which I just ended up eating at my desk because I had to keep working on my presentation.

I looked at my arm again and saw that my ringworm was gone.

I guess it was just an impression from my MedicAlert bracelet that usually ends up sticking to my arm, right around that same spot.

Yes, I know. I'm insane. But can you blame me?

Monday, September 20, 2010

My Rock

I took The Comedian to a matinee performance of Rock of Ages yesterday afternoon. It was his first time seeing the show, and my fourth!

I'm happy to report he absolutely loved it!

Afterwards, we hit up a local pub for some dinner and drinks. I had the foresight to create a Facebook event and invited a bunch of my GTA peeps to come out and meet The Comedian. And I'm happy to report 10 of my friends showed up!

I joked that we should have set up an individual autograph and photo session for everyone who showed up. Because yes, my friends came out for him, and not me. Which is fine. I am happy to share the spotlight with the man I love.

We were all laughing, drinking and eating when all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. My throat closed up and I was certain in that moment, I had reached the end of my life.

The room started to flip as I gasped for air. I went into panic mode. My heart started to thump really fast and I could feel adrenaline coursing through every vein in my body.

And suddenly my throat opened up. I'm sure the whole process took a matter of seconds, but it felt like minutes.

No one noticed anything was happening until I asked for some water. The Comedian took one look at me and I could see panic in his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure. I couldn't breathe for a moment. And now I have a sharp pain in my throat."

I showed him where it felt like someone was sticking me with a knife.

"Do you want to go to the doctor?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what's happening right now."

I drank more water and tried to calm down. My heart was still racing and my throat felt tight. The sharp stabbing pain was happening intermittently.

After a few minutes, the pain subsided, but my throat was still tight and I was feeling lightheaded.

"I think some blue cheese snuck into our nachos."

You see folks, blue cheese contains the same mold as penicillin. And I am deathly allergic to penicillin.

The Comedian wanted to throw me over his shoulder and run me to a hospital. I assured him that I wasn't getting any worse. The last thing I wanted to do was spend an evening in the ER waiting to be seen. I figured as long as I was still breathing, I would eventually get over whatever the hell I was reacting to.

For the next hour I was okay-ish.

And then the throat pain came back viciously. It was no longer intermittent, but constant.

At this point I had to cut the evening short. I apologized to my friends for having to leave. They all hugged me and wished me better.

The whole way home on the subway I was feeling like something had sucked my life force out of me. I even fell asleep at one point. My body was shutting down and I had no idea why.

Once we got back to my apartment, I immediately changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed. The Comedian stayed right by my side, asking if I needed anything, or if I wanted to go to the hospital.

"I'm staying tonight."

"You can't. You have to work tomorrow morning."

"I don't care. I'm not leaving you until I know you're fine. If something happened to you and I wasn't here to help you..."

I saw a tear slide out from his eye.

All together now - AWWWWWWW!!!

But really, wow. Seeing how worried he was about me made me feel like no matter what happened, I would be okay.

We snuggled and watched TV for the next couple of hours. I ended up feeling almost 100% back to normal. I assured him I was fine and that he should go before it got too late.

It was almost midnight by the time he left. I got a text from him around 1:30am saying he'd made it home safe and sound.

I still don't know what the hell happened. I hope it never happens again. But if it does, I know I will be fine, because I have him by my side.

Friday, September 17, 2010

$5000 Photo Shoot

I finally went through all my wedding stuff last night. I threw out the champagne glasses we used for our first toast as husband and wife, a commemorative mug that had a wedding picture and the date printed on it, a pewter sculpture of a man and woman embracing, a "2006" ornament, a mini-license plate from the Vegas M&M store depicting two M&Ms getting married, a mini white limo toy which represented the limo we took to the ceremony, the rose that was his boutonniere and the roses from my bouquet which had been perfectly preserved in a shadow box.

I got to all the photos and was about to start tearing them to pieces when I decided I had spent way too much money on those pictures to just rip them up. In total, the wedding cost me about $5,000. Please note, I did say it cost ME, and not us, because I was the breadwinner in that marriage and had shelled out the cash (and plastic) for the whole shebang. (Man, my ex had a really sweet deal - a wife who never pressured him to hold a steady job, and never made him feel bad about it either. But I digress.)

And aside from the expense, I looked pretty damn hot in the photos. I loved my hair and my dress and I looked like I was glowing. As much as my marriage sucked and made me miserable, the one shining moment was the actual wedding day. I truly was having the happiest day of my life.

I decided to keep some of the pictures. I carefully tore him out of each one and kept my half. I also decided to keep the DVD of the ceremony, only because the Elvis who married us was really awesome and I got to sing with him at the end.

Here is the art piece I created in the shadow box that once held my bouquet.

I really like how it turned out! It has been placed inside my hutch, out of sight to the general public. Maybe one day when I'm famous, I will auction it off for charity. The opening bid will be set at $5,000. :)

The best part of all this happened just a few minutes ago when I took the garbage bag down to the dumpster.

I heaved it up and into the bin. There was an amazingly loud pop as the bag hit the bottom of the dumpster. I heard the champagne glasses and the mug shatter into what I can only imagine was a million pieces.

A fitting and final conclusion to Jan. 8, 2006. WHOO!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


I just spent the last hour deleting 1380 emails from my ex-husband. I stopped to read a few here and there and all that did was trigger feelings of anger, shame and hurt. Even with three years of space, the feelings were just as raw and intense as when they first happened.

Which is why getting rid of that shit is a good thing.

I kept about 80 emails that pertain directly to our divorce and a few that are outright blackmail on his part. He still owes me $500 from the divorce, as per the court order. I'll never see that money, but at least I have proof that he acknowledged the debt and I tried several times to collect. The blackmail emails are a nice insurance policy should he ever try to pull anything in the future. Which, knowing how completely psychotic he can be, is entirely within the realm of possibility.

I also really need to go through my closets and drawers to make sure anything related to him gets thrown out. I still have quite a bit of stuff from our wedding, although I had torn up my wedding scrapbook into a million tiny pieces about a year ago. That was therapeutic to say the least.

The Comedian is coming up for the weekend for the first time, and I want to make sure he doesn't inadvertently come across anything to do with my ex.

I am so ready to start this new chapter of my life. I can finally see the light.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Metamorphosis II

Remember this post?

It took 3 years, 1 month and 28 days but I've got a Relationship Status back up on my Facebook profile. It now says "In a Relationship with The Comedian".

And when it's on Facebook, it *must* be true! :)

It took a loooooong time to get here. There were many, many dark and lonely days. And there were many, many times I had truly believed I would be alone for the rest of my life.

But somehow, we found each other. It bends my brain thinking about all the choices which had to be made that would eventually lead us to the moment when we would finally meet.

I'm so happy this part of my life is finally set. Now I can get on to other things like becoming a rock star, developing a perfume line, starring in several reality TV series and total world domination.

I just hope I don't get hit by a falling piano anytime soon.

Monday, September 13, 2010


The Comedian and I spent Saturday remembering those who were lost in the 9/11 attacks by visiting the 9/11 Memorial Walk on the shores of Lake Ontario.

There were 27 Canadians who were lost in the events of 9/11 and the City of St. Catharines set up this memorial to honour them and those who had close ties to Canada. There were trees and benches dedicated to each of these people.

We sat on one of the benches and looked out across the lake. It was a picture perfect day. I reflected on how lucky I am to live in Canada, far removed from the atrocities that have occurred and continue to occur daily around the world. I counted my blessings - my job, my health, my family, my friends, and now The Comedian. I said a silent prayer for those souls who were taken 9 years ago.

Later that evening we visited my friend who owns a church in Welland which he has renovated into a bed & breakfast. This was the first time I had the chance to see the finished space. It was spectacular to say the least.

There were several friends in attendance whom I hadn't seen in at least 2 years. We sat around chatting and having a few drinks.

At one point, the conversation turned to the ever morbid topic of wills and funerals. What is it with my friends? This was supposed to be a FUN evening.

My brain shut down at that point. I was already in a sombre mood from the memorial walk and I had also found out that the mother of a former student of mine had passed away the day before.

I nudged The Comedian and indicated I wanted to leave.

We got home and got ready for bed. I was exhausted both physically and mentally from the day.

I reflected on the day, on the conversation and how short life really is. I decided I had to tell The Comedian how I felt about him. I didn't want another moment to go by without him knowing.

We had just got under the covers and all snuggled up against each other and he turned out the lights. I could still see his face from the moonlight coming in through the window.

I took his face in my hands, kissed his lips and said, "I love you."

He smiled and without hesitation said, "I love you baby."

I kissed him again and we drifted off to sleep. I don't remember dreaming that night. But I do know it was one of the soundest nights of sleep I've had in a long time.

Friday, September 10, 2010


I am *this close* to quitting everything here and moving to St. Catharines for good.

My wallet and iPod were stolen out of my purse last night, some time between 5:00pm and 7:15pm.

I realized it was gone after having dinner with a former colleague of mine. We were at the subway station and I went into my purse to get my transit pass and my iPod. My iPod was gone. And as I was digging around in my purse looking for it, I realized my wallet was gone too!

I will say I'm lucky that I wasn't attacked for them. However, it still fucking sucks.

I had EVERYTHING in there except cash. Well, I had $10 AUD I've been carrying around since my trip last year, which I keep forgetting to exchange. And a cheque made out to me for $80. It had my driver's license, my red & white health card (For my American friends, losing a red & white health card sucks large, just ask anyone who lives in Ontario.), my health benefits card, my Starbucks card, my Chapters gift card, and all my reward cards like Air Miles, Aeroplan, Shoppers Optimum, SCENE, Hallmark, Carlton Cards....

I am so shocked this actually happened. I have lived in Toronto for over 10 years and I've never had anything like this happen to me. I have always considered my city to be a safe one. It's a little cold and unfriendly at times because apparently most of the people who live here are dickheads, however, I have never been afraid of getting anything stolen. Which is probably why I walk around with my purse unzipped. I'm in and out of it a lot so it's a pain to zip and unzip and zip again.

By the time I got home, the shock wore off a bit and I started to get really fucking mad. I felt so violated. I can only describe it as if someone had stolen my underwear off my body, sniffed it, licked it and masturbated into it.

I called my bank and my credit card company immediately. They were nice and kept apologizing this was happening to me. I told them it wasn't their fault, but I appreciated the sympathy.

The bastard used my credit card right away. Got $70 of gas at Canadian Tire. But the joke was on him when he tried to charge $1,400 at Future Shop and the card was declined. I was nearly maxed out due to a few large purchases, including 4 tickets to Rock of Ages for next week.

I then called The Comedian to let him know what happened. He immediately freaked out and wanted to drive up here to look for the bastard. So cute, but so futile! I did however, express some fear in that this jerk store now has my address. Which if he's pissed about my credit card being declined, maybe he would come and rob my apartment, or steal my car - he knows I have one because there was a copy of my car insurance policy in there too.

Yeah, don't ever tell your boyfriend something like that cuz he will freak out even more. He was all ready to construct a transporter and beam himself to my side. I told him it's unlikely that would happen because these kinds of thieves are snatch and spend, not diabolical geniuses (such as I).

I assured him I would be fine and then got on with calling the police and trying to figure out what I had that needed to be cancelled and replaced.

I was doing a mental check list of what I had and was registered online when I thought about my Starbucks card. I'd loaded it with $10 about 2 weeks ago when meeting up with Anne Shirley.

I logged in to see the balance and much to my surprise, it was at $3.04! I cannot believe that bastard actually stopped for coffee after stealing my wallet!!!!!! Like seriously?! He needed a coffee break from his difficult life of crime?!?!?!

I wanted to punch someone in the face with a brick at that moment.

I spent about an hour on the phone with a very nice police officer filing the report. I had to go through every single piece of everything that was in my wallet. Along with all my ID and reward cards, I had a silver crucifix in my wallet that my cousins had given to me in 2004 after having been in a car accident. I had to approximate the replacement value. I wanted to scream, "THERE ISN'T ENOUGH MONEY ON EARTH TO REPLACE THAT!!!" But I guessed $50 seeing as it was made out of real silver.

I asked him what I should do about driving without a license as I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for this morning.

He told me not to speed and if I did get pulled over, to give the cop his name and badge number and say he told me it was okay to drive.

Ha! I told him my speeding days were over from my ticket a few nights before. He asked me what I did and where it happened. After I told him the whole story with the crying fit and everything, he told me it was extremely nice of the officer to have lowered the ticket and said it wouldn't have any effect on my insurance. Good thing I decided to pay the ticket, inspite of the great opposition most of my friends had to the idea.

After I finished up with the cop, I packed my stuff quickly and headed out. I had told The Comedian I was going to text him when I left, but forgot to. I got stuck in some awful traffic around Burlington so I whipped out my Blackberry and saw two frantic texts from him wondering what the hell happened to me over the previous hour. He's so cute. :)

At any rate, I got in late last night and now I'm up early for my doctor's appointment. I have to get my doc's hand up my junk to make sure I'm still okay from that last weird pap I had last year.

So between getting the speeding ticket and my wallet stolen and paint all splashed over my entire car from the painters in parking garage along with a cracked windshield (Yes, that happened just after the wedding The Comedian and I attended. I didn't blog about it because I was still riding high from the wedding. And I had stomped around and yelled about it for a few days which got it all out of my system.), I've just about had it with this city.

Now I just have to figure out how to get the fuck out of here seeing as I have no ID and a car I really shouldn't be driving.

And I hope that thief gets a horribly itchy STD sometime in the near future.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Commuting from Niagara to Toronto is effing expensive. Hey Via Rail, I think more people would leave their cars at home and take your train if it wasn't $735 a month to ride the St. Catharines - Toronto corridor. Seriously!

My best option would be driving to the Burlington GO station and riding in from there. That comes with a $240 monthly price tag. I'd have to catch the 7:30am train to get into the Tdot by 8:30am. That leaves me enough time to catch the subway to the office - well, depending on whether or not the TTC is running normally at that moment. Seems that since I started my job in June, the TTC is broken more than not.

The prospect of doing this commute has really boggled my brain and it's starting to burn my skirt. If I were to do this every day, I would not be able to do anything after work, because I will have to catch my train at 6pm, to get home by 7:30pm. And then I'm sure I'll be tired and will only want to eat dinner and then go to bed. I won't be able to take dance lessons anymore. I won't be able to meet up with friends for a couple beers. I won't be able to go to the movies. I won't be able to do anything.


Yeah, as much as I want to be with The Comedian full time, I don't think I'm quite ready to give everything up just yet.

I am revising my plan to go down there on Thursday nights and come back up on Sunday nights. That way I can still take dance on Mondays and Wednesdays and oh you know, see my friends.

I hope this doesn't kill me - or him.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Speed Limits

I spent part of the Labour Day weekend with my good friend Fried Beans, in honour of her 30th birthday. Welcome to Club 3-0 kid!

On Sunday, The Comedian and I were over at Jelly's house for a BBQ that was held pretty much in his honour. I am certain my friends love my boyfriend more than me now. Jelly has never thrown a BBQ in my honour. But that's fine. I will ride his coattails of popularity and reap the benefits of food and drink!

We had to be inside for the day because it was bloody cold out! But Jelly's husband was a good sport and manned the BBQ while the rest of us, including Blondo, her hubby & kids, were inside drinking booze and laughing our heads off.

Blondo was getting drunk a lot quicker than the rest of us, which is always entertainment in itself. At one point, Jelly brought out a book she has from 1913 which was about sex education. (Don't ask me why, but whenever my girlfriends and I get together, we always talk about sex, babies and vaginas.) There were funny diagrams - one of the male anatomy minus the penis - and lots of virtuous advice on how to maintain one's morality.

It was amazing to spend the afternoon with my best friends, their husbands and children and my guy. That scene was exactly how I've always dreamed my boyfriend and my BFFs would be with each other.

On Monday, we went to a local parade with his mom, sister, brother-in-law and kids. Afterwards, we went over to his sister's for a BBQ, and again we stayed inside because of the cool weather.

His brother-in-law gave me the official tour of the house and then said, "Now that you know where everything is, you just go ahead and help yourself to whatever you'd like." He made sure to show me the location of the beer fridge. :)

We ate, we talked, we laughed, we played with the kids, and then I fell asleep on his shoulder while sitting on the couch watching the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon.

After waking up and thanking his sister for the hospitality, we went back to his place to watch the end of the telethon and for me to pack up and get ready to hit the road back to the Tdot.

I cried my eyes out watching Jerry Lewis perform the final song "You'll Never Walk Alone". He was so emotional he could barely choke out the words, which of course made me cry even harder. The Comedian had tears in his eyes as well.

To lighten the mood, we flipped on Comedy Central and they were running a Roast marathon. We were laughing so hard we cried (again)!

I guess all the crying is probably what pushed me over the edge when it came time to leave. It was 11pm and I was standing at the door hugging him goodbye and all of a sudden I started bawling.

We spent the better part of the next 2 hours discussing our options for spending more time together. Between the tears, we decided we want to move ahead faster than we originally planned. So it was decided that I would start researching commuting options from St. Catharines to Toronto.

I managed to finally peel myself from him at 1am and started the long trek home.

Luckily there was no traffic so I managed to make really good time back to the city. I was flying along at around 130km/hr for most of my trip. I was also crying for most of my trip.

I got to the Allen Express, which is about 5km from my apartment, and I remember thinking to myself there's a speed trap at the southern end of the express way where the speed drops from 80km/hr to 60km/hr.

So I slowed down, but since I generally do 20km/hr over the limit when I drive, I dropped my speed from 100km/hr to 80km/hr. And two seconds later, I saw a cop walking into my path with his hand raised.


"I'm pulling you over for speeding. Give me your license. If your driving record is good, I will drop the fine."

He showed me the radar gun which read 83km/hr. I started crying and handed him my license. I pulled over into the parking lot where his and another cruiser were sitting.

As I waited for my punishment, I cried even more. This wouldn't be happening if The Comedian and I lived in the same city. This wouldn't be happening if I wasn't so tired while I was driving. This wouldn't be happening if I hadn't spent the better part of my drive home bawling my eyes out.

The cop came back with my license and yellow ticket in hand.

"Your driving record is clean. Now at 23km/hr over the limit, it would be a $120 fine and 3 points off your license. But I am dropping it to 1km/hr over the limit and a $17.50 fine with no points."

He handed me the ticket and my license and I cried harder and apologized profusely.

"It's okay. Have a good night. Drive safe."

And for your amusement, and much to my chagrin, here is my very first speeding ticket ever. :P

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Talk

Things are moving swimmingly with The Comedian. So swimmingly in fact, that he has declared we are to be together forever and we are to have very cute and funny babies. But he has yet to say "I love you"!!!! GAH!!!

At any rate, given the forward looking statements coming from him. I decided it was time to have a talk about how we were going to get to be together forever, seeing as we currently live 116KM apart.

I started crying about two seconds after we officially began the talk. He asked me why I was in tears. I told him that I was afraid that we would be over before we even had a chance to begin.

I asked him if he would be willing to live in Toronto. He made a face that looked like someone had stuck a rod up his bum.

"I really wouldn't want to."

I went on to explain that I am not finished living the city life just yet. Ultimately, I know I will end up in Niagara. I told him that was my plan back when I was married. When the time came for kids, we were going to pack up and move back to the place I call home. Even though I ran as far and as fast as I could the first chance I got, I really do appreciate that I was raised in a small town. I cannot fathom raising children in Toronto. I would have a heart attack worrying about them 24/7.

His contract is up in May and it doesn't look like they are going to renew. So I suggested he find a job in Toronto and we could live at my place during the work week, and his place during the weekends. And then when we decide it's time to get me pregnant, we'll move down to Niagara for good.

He didn't seem super happy with the idea of living in Toronto, but he said he would try because he wants this to work.

Yay! We have a plan! The anal retentive side of my brain just breathed a huge sigh of relief.

The countdown is on, 8 months to go!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Wedding and Wonderland

My good friend Sue tied the knot yesterday to Danny, who is a wonderful man. They were introduced through friends and before they knew it, they fell in love! :)

I was invited and was happy to bring my boyfriend as my date. This would be our first official function as a couple and I wanted to make sure we looked our best.

The Comedian owns one suit, and it is dark blue. I had planned on wearing a black dress with red stilettos. Now I'm not a fashion diva by any stretch of the imagination, but I know enough that particular combination of dress & shoes would not look good sitting next to his blue suit.

I began a week long hunt for a new dress. I wanted to get either a steel grey or a dark blue dress. I think I tried on 580 dresses and I could not find one that would fit around my chest.

I was at dinner the other night with my friend LP and I was recounting my tale of woe when she looked at me and asked, "Why don't you just buy blue shoes?"

All together now - DUH!!!

The next day I found the most amazing pair of shoes at Winners! They were originally $60, marked down to $40, and I got another $5 off because there was a teeny scratch on one of the heels. (I fixed it with black marker and clear nail polish!)

On the way to the cash, I noticed the men's section had ties. My eye honed in on the perfect tie that matched my shoes exactly! SCORE!!! It was a little more than I would have liked to spend on a tie, however I couldn't let something that matched so perfectly slip away.

Here is the final result, with accessories, hair and make up.

We had a glorious evening! I almost felt like it was our wedding, I was just *that* happy to be with him. We ate, we drank, we danced, we laughed and it felt like we'd been together for years and this was one of many nights we had the great pleasure of enjoying together.

One thing I really love about him is that he is able to fit right in no matter what situation he's thrown into. We were at a huge Jewish wedding with 250 guests. He didn't know a single person except me. By the end of the night, he'd made several new friends. That is a true testament to his natural charm and friendly nature.

We both took today off anticipating giant hangovers. However, we were well fed and the 6 JD & Coke we each put away had literally zero effect. Which meant we had the day to spend any way we wanted. So I suggested we hit up Canada's Wonderland, as I hadn't been all summer.

I had mentioned this idea to him last week and he said he wasn't "really a ride kind of guy". I took that as, "It's not my number one choice for an activity, but I'll go anyway."

Um, yeah. What he should have said was, "Roller coasters terrify the bejesus out of me, please don't make me go!!!"

But he went, because he knew how much I wanted to go. And I have to give him a zillion points for being an amazingly good sport about the whole day.

I started us out on the biggest coaster in the park - The Behemoth. This coaster lives up to its name. The first drop is 230 feet, at a 75 degree angle, reaching a speed of 125 km/hr (that's 77 mph for my American friends) in 3.9 seconds.

He didn't like it. But he didn't complain. And he didn't complain when I stood us in line for Top Gun. This coaster has a 103 foot drop with 5 inversions, one of which is a double barrel roll, reaching a top G-force factor 4.

Um, he didn't like that one either. But still not one complaint.

We stood in line for The Bat, which was my favourite coaster up until they debuted The Behemoth. This one runs you through it forward, and then backwards. So you get to do 3 inversions twice, with a top G-force factor of 5.2.

As we were waiting, we were chatting. At one point he stopped mid sentence and asked, "How many rides have we done so far? Four?"

"No honey, only two. The Behemoth and Top Gun."

He got this look on his face that I can only describe as pure and utter defeat.

"That's all?!"

I almost fell down I was laughing so hard. My poor boyfriend was so traumatized by two rides that he felt like he'd been on twice as many.

I promised him The Bat would be the last one and he would be rewarded for his valiant and brave effort.

I think he liked it the least of all.

So being true to my word, here was his reward. Lucky for me, he still liked me enough to share.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The L Word

I was at dinner with my friend LP last night when we meandered on to the subject of love. Which isn't surprising seeing as I had been gushing about The Comedian. She wondered if he'd told me he loved me yet.

"Not yet. Although he keeps saying stuff like he wants to kiss me good night and good morning every day for the rest of his life."

"He might as well just say it then!"


She then told me a story of a time when a boyfriend first told her he loved her. It was so romantic. They had been drudging through knee deep snow, freezing their butts off. They had been walking in silence for a while as both were concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other. He suddenly stopped, placed his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye and said, "I love you. I just wanted to make sure you know that." And then they continued on in the snow to their destination. Awwww!!!

I thought for a moment of a time when I heard those three words for the first time. And I could not come up with one example. I couldn't even remember how my ex-husband told me he loved me for the first time.

And come to think of it, I'm pretty certain it was always me saying it first. So I think I've heard, "I love you too" but not just "I love you".

I also remember a time I told a guy I loved him after we were in a car accident together and he didn't say anything. Not even thanks. Just silence. And then we broke up about a week later.

If - okay when - The Comedian tells me he loves me for the first time, I will have to absorb every last detail of that moment. And of course, I will blog about it so at least I will have some record of it down the road when I am sitting at dinner with a friend talking about love.

Monday, August 16, 2010

BFF Summit

Blondo & Jelly requested a special meeting with The Comedian. As far as Blondo was concerned, he wasn't real until she met and inspected him. So she'd been referring to him as "The Comedian". Seriously, she'd do air quotes whenever she said his name.

I knew this would be more than just a validation of his existence. This meeting was going to result in either a thumbs up or thumbs way down from my BFFs.

The Comedian graciously (and likely fearfully) invited the girls over to his house for pizza and booze.

About half an hour before their arrival (and a few hours after finally peeling ourselves out of the bedroom), we waited on the living room couch. We were seated side by side, holding hands, looking out the window.

"I feel like we're waiting for our parents to come home."

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes! These are my very best friends! If they don't like you, I'll have to break up with you."

He looked at me with wide eyes. I just looked back, not blinking. I wasn't kidding. If my BFFs did not approve, I wasn't going to waste his time or mine. They did not approve of my ex-husband, although I hadn't bothered asking them their opinion. If they had been given the opportunity to say something early on, I probably wouldn't have ended up marrying the douche bag.

Because of that, I now really believe that my friends and family can see things I can't see, or things that I've chosen to ignore.

By the time they arrived, I was ready to jump out of my own skin. I saw Blondo's van pull into the driveway and I jumped up and ran to the front door.

Tucker went insane the minute I opened the door. So after a good 10 minutes of trying to get the dog to calm down, I was able to introduce the BFFs to the BF.

And then I sent him out to pick up the pizza we had ordered for everyone.

While he was gone, I conducted a complete tour of his house. Both girls were impressed with his level of cleanliness and organization. Blondo really like his basement rec room, as it reminded her of her grandmother's house. :)

Before he got back, we sat around chatting about what I was going to do about the fact that he and I live 116KM apart. I told the girls that in my mind, I have already moved into his house and am commuting to and from Toronto for work.

We then discussed what my engagement ring would look like, my wedding dress, their bridesmaid dresses and the wedding as a whole. Also we decided this would all take place in the summer of 2011.

Let's say it all together now - C.R.A.Z.Y!!!!

We stopped the insanity before he came home. I think we were talking about the structure of the house when he arrived with the pizza.

"Hi honey! I'm home!" So cute eh?

We dove straight into the pizza and popped open the bottle of wine Blondo had brought for him.

And then the interrogation began.

"We've got some questions for you, Comedian."

I started laughing. This was so awesome, my BFFs putting him right on to the hot seat.

They asked stuff like what he did for a living, about his family, why he like the Leafs so much and other general interest type stuff.

We talked and talked and ate and drank and talked and laughed and laughed.

Inevitably, the conversation turned to weddings, babies and vaginas. Because really, when you have three best girlfriends sitting around eating pizza and drinking wine, what else would you expect them to talk about?

The Comedian took it like a champ. He didn't even flinch when Jelly was describing how she told her son the difference between girls and boys. "Boys have a penis, girls don't."

"Didn't you tell him that girls have a vagina?"

"Nope. And I want to keep it that way for now. He's only 5!"

As much fun as vagina talk is, eventually it was time for my girls to get back to their respective families.

Blondo gave The Comedian a big hug on the way out. I was sooooooo happy to see that. I don't think Blondo ever hugged my ex husband the entire time we were together.

After they left, we did a post mortem on the evening.

"Did they like me?"

"Oh yeah. Totally. They wouldn't have stayed as long as they did. And they would have been giving me all sorts of signals that they didn't like you."

While we were discussing, a BBM message came in from Blondo. It was just one word.


I showed it to him.

"See? They loved you!"

I'm sooooo happy they approved of him. Because really, when you've mentally moved in with someone, it's really hard to move out.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Impure Thoughts

I was at a baptism earlier today. The last time I had stepped foot into church was 3 years ago. It was the very same church where I attended the wedding of the parents of the newly blessed little lamb of God.

The priest presiding over mass looked to be about my age. I wondered why someone so young would want to enter the clergy.

Then I thought what a pity that he won't ever have sex (once? again?).

Then I thought about screwing my boyfriend's brains out tonight.

Yes, I know I'm going to hell. No need to remind me.

Friday, August 13, 2010


The Comedian sends me emails/texts/Facebook posts constantly through out the day. He clearly knows the value of communication.

In those messages, he refers to me as his girlfriend. "Good morning, my gorgeous girlfriend!" "How's my girlfriend doing?" "I can't wait to see you my beautiful girlfriend!!!"

My brain sees that word and doesn't understand it. I haven't been someone's girlfriend since 2005 when I started seeing my ex-husband.

A handful of friends have sent me FB messages asking who the dude is in my profile picture.

"Oh that's The Comedian."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

The word boyfriend bends my brain even harder than the word girlfriend.

So I have to practice my answer. "Yes, he's my boyfriend." "Yup, that fellow is indeed my boyfriend."

I haven't typed that word in so long that my fingers don't quite know what order they should be moving in along the keyboard.

Boy. Friend. Boyfriend. B.O.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D.

It still looks like such a strange word to me.

Monday, August 9, 2010


I've been sitting here trying to put into words how amazing this past weekend was. But I just can't come up with anything that accurately captures all of my feelings. So here's a picture that I think says it all.
I have a boyfriend now. And we're just crazy about each other. :) :) :) :)

Friday, August 6, 2010

IT Boys of Summer

I had my first department meeting this morning so I was finally able to put faces to all the names I've seen over the last month. Our team sits in two different buildings so my interactions with about half the team occurs over email and phone.

And of course, the guys who sit in the other building are 1) HOT, and 2) married. Oh and I think one guy is gay, which still makes him unavailable. :P

But seriously, I've never met hot IT guys. They usually live up to the stereotype of pocket-protector-wearing nerds.

Two of the guys are particularly hot in very different ways. One of them is the type of guy I'm usually attracted to - tall, slim build, brown hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw. YUM! The other one is Indian - tall, slim, black hair and brown eyes.

And both of them wear their wedding bands. But I also caught both of them staring at my chest.

At least I know I still got it.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


My friend Amy B got engaged over the weekend!! YAY!!! :) :) :)

I have yet to get the entire scoop, but I saw the pictures on Facebook and she got quite the sparkler!

Congrats my friend! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Picture Perfect

This past weekend was absolutely perfect. I really like him. And he told me he really likes me too.

Friday, July 30, 2010


I swear I'm being abducted by aliens at night.

Over the last 2 weeks, I wake up with a new bruise in a new spot every few days. They are random and some are painful.

I now have a bruise on my right thigh, the inside of my left thigh, my left butt cheek, my left forearm and my right bicep. (Okay, where a bicep would be if I ever actually did any physical activity.)

I just hope they keep the butt probing to a minimum.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Ice Ice Baby

I'm so excited about what I got The Comedian for his birthday, I had to share it with you all.

A Leafs ice bucket set!! It comes with the bucket, 4 glasses, 12 coasters and a bottle opener! How cool is that?! And I got it from Shoppers Drug Mart, so you (Canadians) know what that means - OPTIMUM POINTS! WOOT!

I went to exactly six Shoppers stores before I got my hands on it. One of the stores I went to had every other Canadian team except the Leafs. I even asked if they had more in the back but alas, that store was sold out.

And let me tell you, each store has different branded merchandise, if they have any at all! I was *this* close to buying him a Leafs mouse and mouse pad set because I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to find anything else.

But I persisted and SCORED!

I really hope he likes it.

Um, who am I kidding? He's gonna LOVE IT! :) :) :)

Monday, July 26, 2010

Blue Blood

I spent yesterday evening rocking out to Rock Band with The Comedian. His basement is a full-on man cave, resplendent with Toronto Maple Leafs memorabilia.

We drank rum & coke, ate Doritos (oh sweet Sweet Chili Heat!), and had a lot of good conversations in between rocking and rolling. He was tremendously impressed with my guitar skills on Van Halen's "Jump".

Tucker loved me. Even if I hadn't brought the treats, I think he would still be my bud.

And I think The Comedian likes me too. He invited me to his 41st birthday party in a few weeks. His brother, sister-in-law and best buds will all be there.

I wonder if I should bring a bag of treats for each of them? ;)

At least it won't be hard finding a gift for him. Anything with the Leafs brand or something in the same blue colour (which is the colour of his living room and two bedrooms) will make him happy.

My instincts about him are smiling instead of screaming. The only thing left for me to figure out is if I want to jump his bones. I'm still not sure about that. Which usually is a bad sign for me.

However, I can imagine holding hands with him when I'm 80 and he's 86. Which I suppose is the important thing because one's bone-jumping days usually end a lot sooner than hand-holding days.