Just Shoot Me Now

I went to see a matinee screening of Sex and the City 2 with two of my (married) girlfriends on Saturday. Right after which, I attended a wedding.

I went solo (No, I couldn't find a date in the many months since I received the invitation, thanks for asking.) and the only person I knew at the wedding aside from the Bride & Groom was my friend Cheryl. Her hubby was out of town and couldn't make it so I was her date for the day.

I've been trying really hard lately to just let go of all the sadness I have about my perpetual single state. But between seeing SATC2 which focuses heavily on married life, and talking with my married girlfriends, and going to a wedding and Mrs. Magnolia's wedding tomorrow, I think I'm going to cry or jump out a window. Or both.

This situation has been getting worse and worse with every passing day. Not only do I not have a husband, I do not have a boyfriend, and I do not get dates. I got one drunken roll in the hay with a so-called friend who never contacted me again.

The loneliness is eating me alive. It's a hole in my heart that I can feel slowly sucking the joy out of my life.

I've never been the needy type. In fact, I've always fiercely protected my independence. But holy shit man, it would be so totally awesome to have someone in my life who loves me and isn't blood related.

I just don't want to die childless and alone. I know I've written something similar, if not exactly the same, in a previous post but it fucking scares me at how totally possible that is.

And the reason I keep obsessing over this is because I go home to an empty apartment, and after I've finished watching my TiVo'd shows and surfing the net and playing with my cat, there's NOTHING ELSE to DISTRACT me from thinking about how damn ALONE I am.

Someone pass me some whiskey quick!

My Stage

Here is my fortune from the cookie that came after Sunday night's dinner with my Dad.

I only wish I knew how to create my own stage. I would love nothing more than to write, act and sing for a living.

I feel like I've been banging my face against the proverbial stage door for over 10 years now. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to get that break into the biz.

Everyone who's ever seen me act or sing marvel at how totally awesome I am at it. They all say the same thing, "You should be doing this for a living."

YES I SHOULD BE!!! BUT HOW!?!?!

Gah.

I don't want to wake up one morning, look in the mirror and realize I'm 50 and I haven't lived out my dreams.

I'm happy to take any and all suggestions....except for porn. No thank you to that.

Mr. & Mrs.

Last night I got to celebrate the upcoming June 1st nuptials of Mr. & Mrs. Magnolia.

They threw a pre-wedding house party complete with food, drinks, cake, music, blankets, a hammock and hullahoops.

I am so happy for them, it's difficult to put what I'm feeling into words.

Congrats my friends. You've got your whole happy life ahead!

xoxo

Gah

I'm losing faith in the human race more and more with each passing day.

I tried organizing a mini surprise graduation for my student who was diagnosed with, but totally defeated, a brain tumour. He was still in the hospital when the rest of his class graduated. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen him since before his surgery.

I emailed all his classmates last week and asked them to join in celebrating his achievements - graduating and kicking the tumour's ass.

And guess how many well wishers showed up?

NONE.

Not one single person in his class bothered to come. Yes, there are a handful who left right after grad to go back to their home province or country. But for the rest of them, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE.

He was so heart broken that none of his mates were there. I had wrangled up all the current students to attend the presentation. But it just wasn't the same.

Afterwards I took him and his mother out for lunch, took some pictures and chatted about when he'd be coming back to retake some of the courses that had been interrupted when he'd gone into the hospital. Pending the doctor's okay, he'll be back in class as early as next month.

A few hours after he'd left, three of his former classmates showed up to the office. They had the gall to ask if they'd missed the presentation. I let them have it with both barrels and yelled at them. They were so ashamed they didn't say anything as they turned and walked back out.

Douches.

I really hope each one of them has something horrible happen and no one shows up to help them out.

What is it going to take for people to really get what is important in life? I think the answer is nothing short of the Apocalypse. And that really makes me fucking sad.

Panic Room

I have never been good at handling change. I know it's because of the trauma of losing my mother at such a young age.

If there was a way to keep everything exactly the same for the rest of my life, I'd do it. Even though there are some things in my life right now I'm not completely happy with (like the fact I haven't had a date in god-knows-how-long), I would stay the same, same, same because it's familiar and I already know how to deal with the shitty stuff.

I had a very bad panic attack last night. I was convinced I was having a simultaneous brain aneurysm and stroke. My right temple was aching and the room was spinning. No matter how much I tried to calm myself down, it got worse and worse. I tried drinking a big glass of water. I took a couple of Tylenol. I surfed the internet. I hugged my cat. I counted the seconds between each painful throb of the blood vessels in my temple and noticing the frequency was completely random.

Nothing was bringing me back to the calm, warmth of my bed. To the reality that I was really okay and it was all in my head.

This always happens to me when things are about to change. And at the moment, I'm right on the precipice, teetering between what is familiar and what is foreign.

I've always landed on my feet no matter what life has thrown at me. I know this will always be true. But that fact doesn't give me any comfort during the sheer terror I experience alone at night.

I finally drifted off to sleep after an hour and a half of panicking. As suddenly as it had started, it finally just stopped.

I may have to visit my doctor and get on medication again.

Wunnerful, Wunnerful

Lawrence Welk
March 11, 1903 – May 17, 1992

I have some pretty amazing memories of watching The Lawrence Welk Show with my Mom. That was a time in my childhood when everything was possible, when everyone in my family was happy and healthy and my Mom had her whole life ahead of her.

My Mom knew I had an innate musical ability. From the time I was a baby, I responded to music more than any other stimulus, food included. My Mom did everything to expose me to as much music as possible. The Lawrence Welk Show, along with The Donny & Marie Show were television staples in our home.

Thank you Mr. Welk for the champagne music memories. I'm sure you've had a wunnerful dance or two with my Mom over the years.

Things That Make Me Cry

* The memory of my Dad giving me a package of Voortman Strawberry Turnovers the day he dropped me off at university.

* The v-neck long sleeved grey shirt from Cotton Ginny that my younger brother gave to me for my birthday about 5 years ago.

* The vow my middle brother made to protect me from my ex husband when I first threw him out.

* The fact that my cat is 13 years old.

* The thought I may never give birth.

* The last picture of my Mom before she died. It was taken on Valentine's Day 1984. She passed away 6 days later.

* Old people walking down the street by themselves.

* My friend who was in a car accident 3 years ago who recently suffered another head injury and is now unable to stop stuttering.

* Brace for Impact: The Story of Flight 1549. I just finished watching it today. It took me since January to get through the whole documentary.

* Haiti

* The Middle East

* Africa

* The homeless guy who uses the tunnel between the Eglinton subway stop and my office building.

And about a million other things that run through my mind daily. It's no wonder I have panic attacks at night.

SOS

After describing the current stress I'm dealing with at work to Mrs. Magnolia, she had this to say:

"There's madness, and then there's complete ridiculosity."

Yup.

That there sums it up.

When is Brad Pitt going to show up and rescue me from the ridiculosity?

Chair Dance

Apparently, I know how to really rock a chair.

I wasn't going to let my stupid broken foot (hence forth be known as SBF) keep me from getting my groove on at the Hot Docs wrap party.

At first I had resigned myself to sitting in a corner and just chilling with some wine and munchies. But all of my friends kept asking, nay, begging me to join them on the dance floor. I caved into peer pressure and had someone drag a chair out to the dance floor for me.

It was a little strange for the first few minutes. A lot of people who didn't know me or haven't heard about my SBF couldn't figure out why there was a chick on a chair in the middle of the dance floor.

My friends formed a protective circle around me, which eventually expanded as word got around there was lap dancing going on. Ha! At one point there was a line of people waiting their turn to give me a lap dance.

I had several people whom I didn't know approach me to ask me how my SBF is doing, and also to compliment my chair dancing abilities.

Perhaps I was a go-go dancer and/or stripper in a previous life? I bet I made a lot of money with my moves!

Another Angel

Mrs. Magnolia's grandmother passed away last night. She was surrounded by her family when she passed peacefully at 7:15pm.

She always referred to me as the "crazy girl". I loved that so much.

Sweet dreams Grandmother....

Stupid Humans

Most people on Planet Earth are stupid and self absorbed. In six days, I've seen more firsthand examples which proves that statement than probably in my whole life.

Here is an open letter to Humanity. Well, it's mostly directed to those living in Toronto.

Dear People of Earth,

I am not wearing a walking cast because it is a fashion statement. I am wearing it because my foot is broken.

I am not taking my time walking down the stairs because I am enjoying the scenery. I am holding onto the railing for dear life so I don't fall and break my other foot, or my face.

I am not asking you to give up your seat because I am too lazy to stand. I am unable to maintain my balance while the bus/streetcar/subway train starts and stops suddenly, throwing me forward and backward and forward again.

And for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus, STOP KICKING MY FUCKING FOOT!

Sincerely,
Paprika

I am truly astounded at how oblivious most people are.

In the six days I've had on the cast, not one person has offered to give me their seat on the bus. Not one person has held the door open for me - they usually try to rush in behind me while I've got the door open so they don't have to hold it open for themselves. I have been kicked more times than I can count. I have had people practically stampede over me going down the stairs to the subway platform because they want to catch that train instead of waiting another 2 minutes for the next one. And yes, during rush hour, the subway trains in Toronto really do come every 2 minutes!

I swear I'm going to end up in a brawl the next time some asshole decides I'm moving to slow and kicks my foot as he rushes past me.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to last with this cast. I found out today my follow up x-ray has been booked for June 1st! JUNE FIRST?! That's not the two week follow up I was told was going to happen.

Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad...

Busted

The results of my x-ray:

Transverse lucent defect is seen through the proximal end of the third and fourth metatarsal bones in keeping with non-displaced hairline fractures. Remaining bones, joints and soft tissues are normal.

In English: It's broken, dumb dumb.

*sigh

I guess my enthusiasm in working on my Paso routine didn't sit well with my foot. I'm sidelined for a minimum of two weeks now. Luckily I'm in a walking cast for the time being. I'll be getting another x-ray and if that shows the all clear, then I'm free. If not, they will slap on the plaster cast and I'll be sentenced to walking on crutches for SIX weeks. YEESH!

The doctor was pretty shocked that I've been walking around on a broken foot for about two weeks now. I told him I have a ridiculously high pain threshold. This isn't the first time I've shocked people with my tolerance for pain. It took me three days before I went to a doctor about my appendix.

I also impressed my tattoo artist as I didn't even flinch when I got "never again" tattooed on my rib cage. She told me she's tattooed 300lb. guys in the same place and they've either burst into tears or threatened to punch her out because they were in so much pain. She actually said to me, "Be careful because you may not know if you've broken something". Looks like she was right.

The only real thing that hurts in all of this is my heart. I was so sad that I had to drive myself to the doctor, and then to the hospital. I tried phoning Mrs. Magnolia and a few other people to see if they were available to keep me company but no one was answering.

It made me flash forward to when I'm 80 and I've fallen and broken my hip. Will I still have to drive myself to the hospital? Will I still be alone at that age?

I really hope not. :(