Thursday, April 29, 2010


Gah! After posting yesterday about being restricted/deleted, I found out 3 more people have put me on a limited profile, and one guy just flat out deleted me!

WHAT. THE. FUCK?! Seriously! I just don't get what the hell I did to these people!

The guy who deleted me accepted my friend request over TWO YEARS AGO! We've had minimal FB contact but whatever!

And the worst part is I keep finding this shit out because I'm trying to leave HAPPY BIRTHDAY messages!!!! How's that for a kick in the pants?

Honestly, this is driving me crazy to the point where I just want to shut off Facebook permanently.

The only reason I won't is because it's an essential tool to promote my band and other artsy stuff that I do.

And when I become famous, it'll be awesome to stick it to those who restricted or deleted me. Turn around is fair play I hear....

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Wall

I am getting really fed up with Facebook. I can't figure out which I hate more - people deleting me for no obvious reason, or people putting me on a limited profile.

If you don't want me to have access to your page, then DON'T ADD ME. Don't request to be my friend in the first place. Or deny my friend request. I won't take it personally. I really take it personally when someone gives me access and then randomly takes it away.

Facebook is a networking tool. So when you put me on a limited profile, I am unable to interact with you. SO WHAT'S THE POINT? Might as well just delete me.

For instance, this morning I tried to leave a birthday greeting on the wall of a former colleague of mine. I've written on her wall many times in the past wishing her happy birthday or congratulating her on the birth of her daughter. And this morning, I discovered she no longer has a wall. 99% of the time when someone's wall disappears, it's because they've placed you on a limited profile. So WTF? Why did she do that? What has changed since last year?

There are only a handful of people that I've banned from my page. And I just don't delete them, I block their asses. And the thing is, they know it's coming. It's not just some random restriction or mysterious deletion. Boy, Butterfly, my ex-husband and the girl with whom I went to Oz. They are all deleted and blocked. I'm sure they're not sitting around wondering what happened.

There are lots of people who are my friends on Facebook with whom I don't have regular interaction. But does that mean they should be deleted? Personally, I don't think so. Facebook is like a living phone book. Just because I don't use all of the numbers doesn't mean I should be ripping those pages out.

I would really rather have someone say to my face, "I think you suck and I want to have nothing more to do with you" and then restricting/deleting me rather than me discovering it when I go to wish them happy birthday.

Being straight up about it would just make things so much easier than me sitting around wondering what I did. And I actually do care if I've done something to offend or hurt another person. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person going around being a huge jerk and then not taking responsibility.

I've never claimed to be a perfect person. I have many flaws and I have made many mistakes in my life. But I am aware of my actions and I understand what I do and say could have a negative impact on someone. And if that happens, I'd at least like the opportunity to straighten things out and apologize if necessary.

And seriously, if you don't want people to know stuff about you, then DON'T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. I know I write this blog semi-anonymously so that may sound a bit hypocritical coming from me. But I do that more to protect the people I'm writing about rather than myself. For those of you who know me in real life, you know I rarely hold back anything when it comes to my life.

Anyone I add to my Facebook gets full access. I put it all out there because I don't say or do anything online that I wouldn't already say or do in real life. Now I know not everyone likes to put things out there the way I do. For those who don't, just don't add me at all.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Heavy Breathing

And with good news of yesterday comes not so good news today. I've got bronchitis. And maybe a broken toe.


I suppose it could have been worse and been pneumonia like the last time.

I'm too busy to be sick! I just started a new enrollment at the school, and I'm going to be working at the Hot Docs festival which starts this week, plus I've got my dance classes, plus I've got 2 gigs next week with my band, PLUS I'm going to Rochester this weekend with my sister-in-law and Amy B to see Wicked.


Did you hear me Bronchitis? Now is just not a good time.

Monday, April 26, 2010


Got two pieces of good news today.

The first is that I won a pair of tickets to an invitation-only performance by Court Yard Hounds, aka 2/3 of the Dixie Chicks (the sister portion). This is gonna be sweeeeet!

And the second bit of good news is that my pap came back NEGATIVE!

THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS!!! I cannot even begin to describe the RELIEF I'm feeling right now. I will have to do repeat paps every 6 months for the next 2 years to make sure it stays negative, but who cares!? I'd do one every month if it means there's no cancer!!!! YAY!

My, oh my, what a wonderful day!!!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I'm sick. Ugh.

I've been asleep most of the day. I woke up an hour ago from a nightmare. I dreamt I had called in sick and late in the day, I was feeling better so I stopped into the office to check on things. I discovered my office had been packed up by my boss. There was a sticky note addressed to someone named Eva who apparently would be replacing me.

I went out to the receptionist and asked where my boss was. I was told he stepped away only moments before I arrived.

I ran back into my office and started grabbing as much of my stuff as quickly as possible. I knew I had minutes at most before his return.

I was almost finished when he came back. He saw me in my office. He came towards me and started to ask me to put everything back as it was company property.

I completely flipped out. I told him he was going to have a huge lawsuit on his hands for firing me for being sick for only a day.

I yelled and yelled at him and told him to go fuck himself. And I stomped out of there with my head held high and absolutely no fear.

The last time I dreamt about getting fired, I actually ended up being laid off within a few days of the dream. I wonder if this is my brain warning me again?

I really want to stay home and rest tomorrow, however I've got a new crop of students starting and if I am not there to do all of the important enrollment activities, I would most certainly get fired.

Oh please hear me Sweet Baby Jesus, and rid me of this plague.

Friday, April 23, 2010


A former colleague of mine is leaving my former place of employment. It's a great move on his part because the company is in bankruptcy protection and will probably end up going under completely by next year.

Yesterday I got an email inviting me to his farewell gathering at a pub tonight. I accepted right away and was flattered I was invited even though it's been an entire year since I was last employed there.

This afternoon I took a closer look at the guest list and discovered three of the guests invited are guys I had slept with. Butterfly, Faux Beau, and Boy aka Douche Bag.

Um, yeah.

I'm emailing an apology to my former colleague for not being able to make it tonight. I think my throat is sore all of a sudden.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So Give it to Me

Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how some people ever make it out the door in the morning, let alone lead their life without major harm or incident.

Above the reception desk in the office where I work, there is a flat panel TV that silently loops a promotional video. The receptionist turns it on when she arrives at 9am and turns it off when she leaves at 5pm.

So you can imagine the kind of wear and tear that would have on a TV over the course of two years.

About a month ago, the picture on the screen started to flicker. My boss tried changing the DVD, changing the RCA cords, and changing the DVD player. Alas, the flicker continued. He gave up on it for a while until this morning.

When I came in, I saw my boss fiddling with the DVD player again. He said if he couldn't figure it out today, he was going to buy a new TV.

I stopped and watched the screen for a few moments and immediately realized something.

The flickering happened in time with the movement of people's mouths. Which to me, suggested an audio problem rather than a video problem.

I'd like to think I'm a genius, however, it ain't rocket science to figure out it's a problem when the TV is being fed audio but it's not being output anywhere.

I told my boss to unplug the RCA cord going into the audio jack.

Voila! Picture problem solved.

"You saved me $200!"

Yup. That's me. The likable-hard-working-quick-thinking-money-saving employee you've been grossly underpaying for a year.

"I'll buy your tea this morning, my treat."

I saved my boss $200 and all I got was a $1.35 tea from Tim Hortons.

Man, I should get that printed on a t-shirt and wear it to work on casual Friday.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Because She Asked

Mrs. CB would prefer to be Mrs. Magnolia.

And because I love her, I'm happy to make the revision.

Open like a flower...

Monday, April 19, 2010

On My Own

As of June 1st, DT will be my DT no more. She's found love again and is tying the knot on that day.

Her first marriage was a huge affair. Hundreds of guests, many of whom she didn't know. Days and days of showers and parties and functions and get togethers. But she didn't want any of it. She wanted to elope. No one, not even her fiance, would let her have what she wanted.

This time around, it will be a small ceremony in the backyard with only 9 guests. I'm not even one of them. But I get it. I get why she wants it that way and I totally support her.

When I got married, it was just me, my husband and Elvis. We went to Vegas and no one knew about it. Not even our parents. And that was the way I wanted it. Although my marriage was ultimately a trainwreck, I have wonderful memories of my wedding day. And that's largely due to the fact that I did it my way. (Bust out the Frank Sinatra record!)

I'm glad my DT is finally getting everything she's ever wanted. From the ring, to the dress, to the guests - it's what *she* wants. And I'm especially glad she found such a great guy to share her life with and who is totally supportive in giving her the wedding she's dreamed of.

Now the only problem left to tackle is figuring out a new nickname for her.

I think I'll call her Mrs. CB from now on. CB is for Cherry Blossom. I've been telling her to be open like a flower since she first started seeing her soon-to-be-husband. Also, cherry blossoms are an omen of good fortune and an emblem of love and affection. I think it's a rather fitting name.

Congratulations Mrs. CB. Although you are no longer my DT, it's a change in the dynamic of our relationship that I happily welcome and celebrate. I love you lots and lots.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Missed Connection

I went to a friend's birthday party last night, which ultimately ended up being a night of miscommunication and hurt feelings. Half of us ended up at one club, the other half (myself included) ended up at a bar down the street.

The problem with the first club was it only allowed people 25 years of age and older. The birthday girl was celebrating the big 2-5, however she has a lot of friends who are just barely 19.

One of those young ducklings is a good friend of mine and although I could have gotten into bar #1, there was no way I was going to leave her out on the sidewalk to freeze to death. It was bloody cold last night and the bouncers wouldn't even do us the courtesy of letting us stand inside while things were trying to get sorted with the club promoter. So if any of you have plans to go to Brassaii on King St. W., don't bother. They are assholes who clearly do not know the meaning of courtesy and customer service.

We had a good time in spite of the whole drama surrounding the evening. But by the time 3am hit, I was literally falling asleep in the bar. Which is a big no-no and gets you tossed out on your ass real quick. I was coming up on my 20th hour of consciousness and it had been an already very long and stressful day. I took the preemptive position of admitting defeat to fatigue and said good night to everyone.

One of the things I really hate about Toronto is our subway system shuts down before the bars close. The streetcar and bus service that late at night can leave you waiting on average about 30 minutes before anything comes along. Catching a connection without having to wait again is next to impossible. I was sooooo tired and cold that I was prepared to pay for a cab.

By some small miracle, I managed to grab a streetcar as I was coming out of the bar. I took it up to Bloor, which probably saved me about $10. I was waiting patiently on the corner of Bathurst & Bloor for either a cab or a bus, whichever came first.

As I was waiting, a really tall, really cute guy joined me on the corner.

"How long have you been waiting?"

"Oh, about 5 minutes. I saw a bus go by about two minutes before I made it to the corner. Who knows how long it'll be before another one comes by."

As I stood shivering, I took a good look at him. He seemed to be in his late twenties, about 6'4", brown hair coming out from under a newsboy cap, lean build and he was wearing the most awesome pair of orange velour sneakers.

A few minutes passed and another guy joined us on the corner. He too asked me how long I'd been waiting.

Even though it was a few short minutes, it felt like ages because it was so cold. I remember thinking to myself if it would be weird to ask the Tall Guy if he wanted to share a cab. I figured he's probably heading north, just like me, seeing as we were both waiting for the same bus that is only going in that direction. But being the big Chicken Shit that I am, I just continued to stand there shivering like an idiot.

While that monologue was going on in my head, I almost didn't hear him ask.

"Would you want to share a cab? At least up to St. Clair?"

Oh yes, yes, yes! Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus!

We managed to hail a cab within a few seconds and both climbed into the back seat.

"By the way, my name is Derek."

"Paprika. Nice to meet you."

He had a good firm handshake and a really nice smile.

"So Derek, where are you coming from tonight?"


Um, could I just fall in love with him right then and there?!

"Really?! Where?"

"XO Karaoke Bar on Bloor near Christie."

"Is that one of those Korean boxes?"



"You don't like the boxes?"

"Nope. I like having an audience to perform for. And who'll clap for me."

He laughed a nice, deep laugh.

"And where are you coming from Paprika?"

"A failed birthday party."

I went on to explain the events that transpired which led to me being at a different bar than the birthday girl.

Our cab arrived at the corner of Bathurst & St. Clair. The damage was only $7.50. We each put in $5.

As I was getting out, I lost grip of the door and it almost slammed into his feet. Oops!

After successfully leaving the vehicle, he looked down at me and said, "Well Paprika, it was nice meeting you. Have a good night."

"Thanks! You too!"

Now had this been a Hollywood film, he would have asked me for my number, phoned me the next day, made a date, started seeing each other exclusively, fallen in love, gotten married, had kids and lived happily ever after.

But this my life we're talking about. Nothing that awesome ever happens to me when it comes to men.

I crossed the street as the light was green, and when I turned around to see what direction he had walked, he had already disappeared.

For a moment I wondered if I had made him up in my mind. After all, I did drink an entire bottle of wine by myself.

He's been on my mind the whole day. So much so, I did something I swore I'd never do. I posted an ad in the personals on Craigslist.

Here's the text for future reference:

We Shared a Cab Last Night - w4m (Bathurst/Bloor)
Date: 2010-04-18, 2:12PM EDT

We shared a cab from Bathurst/Bloor to Bathurst/St. Clair. You were wearing a newsboy cap and orange shoes.

You know my name and I know yours.

When we got out of the cab, we shook hands and you wished me goodnight. Before I could say anything, you disappeared. I think you may have ducked into the Big Bee for a late night snack.

Since we live in the same neighbourhood, I would love to have coffee with you. I don't know why I would think you'd even see this, but I had to try this once.

Hoping to hear from you.

Location: Bathurst/Bloor
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1698160057

Who knows, maybe he's thinking about me too.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Taking a Bite

After getting shot down by Mr. David, I picked myself up and emailed Gabe, one of the guys who was in my Showcase class. I asked him if he'd be interested in performing the Paso with me. Within an hour, I received this response:

"I would be delighted to perform a Paso routine with you."

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Not only is Gabe a super nice guy and talented dancer, but he is also taking the teaching course at the studio. So at least one of us will know what we're doing. :)

Gabe and I made plans to start working on the routine after my class on Monday night.

So before that class started, Mr. David came over to where I was sitting, strapping on my dance shoes.

"The Paso eh?"


"That's too bad I don't know it. But why the Paso?"

"Because that's how I roll."

Later in class we were paired together again for the Mambo. I was standing in hold, trying not to roll my eyes at him. So I pasted a grin on my face.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because I'm trying really hard to be nice to you. And it's always quite an effort."

He laughed. I guess he really thought I was kidding.

I was really happy for class to be over. David was messing up all the steps and his frame was shite. He got mad at me for back leading but come on dude, you were effing everything up. And it's on TWO DAMMIT, not on the one!!!! He clearly needs to watch Dirty Dancing...

After class, Gabe met up with me and we started working on the routine. Actually, we started working on me learning the basics in Paso. I learned several things within the first two minutes:

* Gabe is a patient person

* I am crazy to expect myself to learn a new dance and have it perfected in 5 seconds flat

* Paso is way more aggressive than Tango

* I must work on my confidence to really pull off the fierceness of the Paso

This is going to be a huge challenge for me, both physically and emotionally. But I'm glad I found someone willing to take a chance on me.

Mr. David is going to wish he had said yes once he sees the final routine.

Oh, and I'm totally getting a black leather outfit and fangs for the performance. :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Pony Up

I spoke to my student's mother last night and he's now sitting up and eating like a horse. Memory and motor still all seem to be in tact and it's looking more and more like he will be discharged on Wednesday. All is pointing towards him making it to grad on Saturday!! :)

In other good news, I got the results back for Chuck. He's a lump o' nothin'. Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus. Now I'm just waiting for the results of my pap. Hopefully that will be a big-bag-o-negatory and life will go on.

Today is the first day, in like forever, that I'm wearing my hair up in a pony tail in public. I'm finally not ashamed to expose the back of my neck.

Sorry Chuck, but you suck. I quite like the scar that's taken your place.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Shot Down and Blown Up

At dance class on Wednesday, Nicole told us the school would be hosting a Spotlight Showcase. It would be similar to the structure of the Ball, in that there would be performances mixed with social dancing.

Nicole encouraged us to prepare a routine, either with our private instructors (I don't have one, too expensive) or with a fellow student.


As much of a dumb dumb David is, he's an amazing dancer. So I decided to ask him if he'd want to work on a routine with me for the Spotlight. I've been kicking around an idea to develop something to the song "Teeth" by Lady Gaga.

I was going to approach him after class, but he was in deep conversation with Heather, another one of our dance mates.

So I sent him an email when I got home.

from: Paprika
to: Mr. David
date: Wed, Apr 7, 2010 at 10:35 PM
subject: Spotlight


I really want to do a routine for the Spotlight since my dreams of Showcase were shattered. I was hoping you'd be open to working on a routine with me.

I've attached a song that I want to perform to. I'm thinking this would make a really great Paso. There are 2 breaks in the song where we could end the choreography. One at 1:18 and the other at 2:18.

Anyway, if you are interested, let me know. I think we could do a vampire inspired routine where I'm the vampire and you're trying to kill me. :)


P.S. I've never done the Paso before, but you know I'll practice real hard and learn all my steps. :)

Two full days went by before I received a response.

from: Mr. David
to: Paprika
date: Fri, Apr 9, 2010 at 7:20 PM

subject: Paso??

Hey Paprika,

I am not sure a Paso would be the way to go as neither of us know how to dance it :) But besides that, I have already been approached to consider doing something for the same event...beyond the studio probably not wanting an individual to do two duets at the same event, I do not think I would have the time to work up two numbers.

Off to dance class :)

Mr. David


If there is one thing I can bet money on, is the fact Mr. David LOVES to dance so much that he would take any and all opportunities.

Which is why I'm thinking this email was his way of gently letting me know he ain't interested in anything I have to offer - dance or otherwise.

Message received loud and clear. Going forward, I'm staying as far away from him as possible.

And in related news, I was able to watch a car explosion yesterday. Man, was that ever awesome. Here's a picture one of my students snapped a moment after it went off. Photo courtesy of James Selinger.

That picture is exactly how I've been feeling over the last week.

Friday, April 9, 2010

He Made It

My student was out of surgery around 5:30pm this afternoon and is now recovering in the ICU. I spoke to him for just a few seconds on the phone. I congratulated him and told him he kicked that tumour's ass! He responded with a groggy, "It feels like it kicked my ass."

If everything goes well in the next 24 hours, it's likely he will make it to graduation next week.

Keep sending him positive vibes y'all! It's totally working! :)

Cry Hard

Last night I had a meltdown. Everything that has happened over the last week led to a hysterical perfect storm after getting off the phone with my Dad.

I cried so hard last night I could hardly breathe.

And when I woke up this morning, my eyes were so swollen that I had only slits by which to navigate.

Rather than explain why I look like I've been punched, I put on my sunglasses and told my coworkers I had a reaction to the mascara I applied last night.

There are a lot of reasons why I was so hysterical. But I'm too exhausted to dissect them here, as I usually would.

Sometimes I just need to be *upset*. Because I spend most of my time keeping it together for the benefit of everyone else.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

More Bad News

I found out that Funny Guy's dad passed away suddenly yesterday.

This is shaping up to be a really shitty week.

I want to reach out to him, as I know what it's like to lose a parent. However, I don't want to cause him any unnecessary pressure. After all, I am still the girl he fucked and didn't bother calling.

I left a condolence message on his FB profile. I hope that's enough for now.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Sending Out a Prayer

I received a call this morning from the father of one of my students.

He has been diagnosed a brain tumour and will be having surgery on Friday.

I can't even imagine what he is feeling and what his parents are going through. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and all the air has been sucked out of my lungs.

He came to enroll at my school this past summer with the dream of becoming a filmmaker. He showed me a documentary he made about animal abuse. It was a little project that he did on his own - it wasn't for school or anything. He made the film because he was passionate about the subject. It was simple and powerful and I knew he had what it takes to make it in the industry.

He was concerned that he wouldn't be able to keep up with the other students, due to a learning disability. I assured him that as long as he attended classes, asked lots of questions, and was committed to doing the work, he would be fine.

He's definitely one of our hardest working students. He's always early for classes while most of the other students are late or absent. He's always the first one to step up for the crappy jobs like gaffer or grip while the other students are busy spouting about their directorial genius to anyone who'll listen. He's always got a smile on his face while the rest of the students are miserable.

He is just two weeks from graduation. And when I spoke with him on the phone this morning, his main concern was not letting his classmates down on the final project they are shooting this week. I assured him he wasn't letting anyone down and that his main job now was to fight and get better.

His concern for his fellow classmates is a true testament to what an amazing young man he is. He has faced ridicule from those same classmates who didn't understand he has a learning disability. He is truly a special and wonderful person.

He really wants to be at the ceremony on April 17th. I told him if his doctors okay it, then certainly there's no place else we'd want him to be. We all want to help celebrate his achievements.

I really believe in the power of prayer and good vibes. So I'm asking all of you to send some his way, especially on Friday.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Open Letter

I had a loooooong conversation with my sister-in-law yesterday about the hurt I'm still feeling over events that took place when I went to Australia back in October.

The result was the end of a 15+ year friendship. I ended it but I didn't get the opportunity to tell her exactly what I thought of her and the situation that led up to the end of things.

As I was talking to my sister-in-law, all the hurt and anger bubbled up again, as if it had happened yesterday. Even thinking about it now is making me crazy.

My sister-in-law suggested I write my former friend a letter to get some closure. It's a good idea however instead of sending it to that person, I'm going to write it here. I feel if I made contact with her, it would open up an invitation for her to contact me. And frankly, there is nothing she could say that would ever explain or justify her actions. Seriously. Short of her telling me she had a personality-altering brain tumour, there's NOTHING I'd ever accept as justification.

So here is my open letter to her. Most of this won't make sense to you my dear readers, but I need to use this space right now just for me.

Dear K,

Funny that I am using the word "dear" to address you right now. Maybe it would be better as "oh dear" because that is all that went through my mind when you left me at the hostel in Melbourne.

I know we fought the night before. It was over a misunderstanding and we both lost our temper. I apologized to you even though you were totally wrong. I'm sure you would disagree with that point but I'm always the first one to step up and admit when I'm wrong. But this time you were flat out wrong.

At any rate I had decided to suck it up and take one for the team. Little did I know what lurked beneath your ever smiling exterior. There is a girl who has no regard for anyone except herself. There is a girl who has been lying to herself and everyone around her for her whole life. There is a girl who will never know the true meaning of love and family.

I have always considered you to be my little sister. I always protected you and went to bat for you. I caused a strain on my friendship with your sister because she didn't like the bond you and I had. All these years I always thought your sister was jealous and mean because she was so unaccepting of you. Now I know different. She wasn't mad at me, she was mad at you because she knew the truth about you. She was mad that you were lying to me and the rest of our inner circle about the type of person you really are. I have to give your sister credit because she never once said a disparaging thing against you. She simply distanced herself from you, which in turn distanced herself from us.

I have to admit, you had me hook, line and sinker. You had me completely under the belief that you have been misunderstood by your family, especially your sister. That's why I was so absolutely blindsided by your vicious reaction to a simple little fight.

Friends fight. Family fight. But they also forgive and get over it. If they truly love the other person, they don't drag it on and they certainly don't behave in a vengeful manner.

Exactly two seconds after are blow up, you cancelled my flight to Cairns. Talk about acting in the heat of the moment. You took steps to abandon me in a country that was literally half way around the world. As awful as that action was, the worse part came the next morning. Because you didn't have the decency to tell me to my face you'd cancelled my flight. You let me figure it out the hard way. So fuck you on that one. If you're gonna be the bitch you claim me to be, at least have the balls to own your actions.

You left me to fend for myself. Usually I wouldn't have a problem doing that because I am a very independent person and I actually enjoy doing things for myself. However you held all the cards on that trip. You'd made all the arrangements, you'd paid for everything and you had months to save up for the trip while I only had a few weeks. You knew my situation and yet you left me without any means to help myself. You knew there was no way for me to book a bus or a hotel or a flight. YOU FUCKING KNEW THAT. And still you had no problem cancelling my flight.

When I emailed your sister to tell her what happened, the first thing she responded with was, "I'm not surprised". WOW. That tells me sooooo much about you. It tells me what I've already said at the beginning of this letter. No matter how much you claim to love someone, you have no problem stabbing them in the back.

Your mother was prepared to pay for a flight for me. That again tells me sooooo much about how vicious you are. Your family was deeply disturbed that you could do something like that to your best friend. Your would-be maid of honour. The person you were going to will everything to in case you ever met your untimely demise.

I was lucky to have a friend in Melbourne who so graciously opened her home to me. I must not be that bad of a person if someone I knew only briefly through work and whom I hadn't seen in two years would allow me to occupy space in her home when she's got a baby to look after.

I spent a lot of time thinking about our friendship over the years and I realized there was a pattern of douchey behaviour on your part and forgiveness on my part. And it always seemed to involve a man.

I always found it strange that you and G ended up dating right after I confided in you that I loved him. Suddenly you wanted to visit me more and visit me at the office. It hurt me that you would be throwing yourself at him right in front of my face, in his cubicle which was right beside mine. But I conceded, because I wasn't about to let some silly man come between me and my sister.

When you dumped him, I was there for you, no questions. I believed you when you told me he was abusive towards you. I believed you when you told me he was crazy and stalking you. I told you I would kick his ass if he came near you. I put a huge distance between me and him which affected our friendship and our work relationship for about a year. But I didn't care because I was loyal to you.

Then I was seeing A. And I introduced you to him. And all of a sudden, you wanted to hang out more with me and A. I gladly included you in our plans even though I really wanted to spend time with my boyfriend alone. And then one night at a party, you basically made out with him RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I got mad and left. And later you claimed it to be a misunderstanding. And I forgave you because I wasn't about to let some silly man get in between me and my sister.

And in Australia, I told you I thought our tour guide was really cute. After having said nothing to me that whole morning, all of a sudden you came to life and was happily chatting and giggling up a storm with him. AND I LET IT GO BECAUSE I WASN'T ABOUT TO LET SOME SILLY MAN GET IN BETWEEN ME AND MY SISTER.

I have no idea why you had this ridiculous competition going on between us. Of course you'd always win. You're thin and small and pretty and you'd play all the stupid girly games that guys totally fall for that I refuse to play. So it was no contest. Yet you made it one. The only thing I ever had on you was my huge boobs but then you went and got yourself a boob job. So yeah, now it's no contest.

All I ever did was support you. Through every break up, I had your back - no questions. Perhaps I should have asked questions when you dumped T. I have to say I wasn't shocked. I knew you wouldn't make it down the aisle but I held out hope maybe this time it would work out and you wouldn't end it. But the pattern repeated and I was there to help pick up the pieces, fiercely defending you. I talked to T just after it happened and convinced him to stay the hell away from you. Little did I know it should have been him telling me to stay away from you.

I would have punched him in the mouth had you asked me to. Because that's what having someone's back means. And I feel like a fool for being so totally blind to the fact that you leave a path of destruction in every relationship you've had. Including now our friendship.

I went over that fight a thousand times in my mind. And I reversed our positions and asked myself would I have done the same thing? Would I have been so mad at you that I could feel right in abandoning you with no means to help yourself? And the answer always comes back NO. Because I could NEVER do something so evil to someone I call sister.

And the worst part is you NEVER said sorry. Not once. You tried contacting me for a few weeks after but those phone calls and emails never had the words "I'm sorry". And THAT is probably the shittiest part.

No wait, the shittiest part was you accusing me of giving T the keys to your house so he could break in, steal things and murder you in your sleep. No, no, the actual shittiest part was accusing me of sleeping with T. See it somehow always gets back to the man competition. Actually, the true shittiest part is you LYING to MY friends about what actually happened regarding the flight. And yeah you better believe it when I say they are MY friends.

You have no true friends. I was your ONLY friend. The reason Blondie and Jelly ever accepted you was because I brought you into MY circle. And ever since October you've been feeding them bullshit about what happened.

I contacted Virgin Blue and got the transcript of what happened with my reservation. You've been telling anyone who'll listen that after we parted ways on Friday, you returned on Sunday look for me. When you couldn't find me, you figured I went home so you didn't want to waste the ticket and it was then you cancelled it.


The transcript VB happily emailed me showed CLEARLY you cancelled my flight on Thursday night. Not Sunday. Three full days BEFORE.

I will never ask Blondie and Jelly to chose between you or me. But I hope they realize if you could do that to me, then you most certainly could do the same, or worse, to them.

You are probably the most despicable person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. You are a regret in my life. If there was a way to turn back time and make the decision not to be your friend, I would do it without hesitation. I feel awful knowing I chose to defend you against everyone when I should have been helping THEM take you down off that ridiculous high horse you've climbed.

I wish I could ask my friends and family to cut you out of their lives. But I can't make decisions for them. I can only hope they will understand and decide for themselves that you must be a class A piece of evil if I have completely severed ties with you. Because I always forgive right? I am the believer and champion of second chances.

Not this time.

You are nothing and no one to me forever.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Done and Done

After yesterday's fiasco with Crazy Flags, I was determined that I would ask Mr. David out after dance class. I wanted to prove that I'm not a dum twat.

I put on a tight black shirt which had POSH (yes, Spice) emblazoned in silver sparkles across the chest and a pair of form fitting black pants. I applied some mascara, lip gloss and spritzed with perfume before heading off to the studio.

When I got there, he came over to say hello. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt. OMG his arms are sooooo ripped. I swear I almost fainted. He's so totally hot for an old dude. :P

The dance last night was Tango. Of course we would be partnered up for the hottest dance when he's looking so fine. I was having a really hard time concentrating because I couldn't stop staring at his arms!

The beginning part of the choreography was the two of us circling each other, like panthers posturing. I gave him my best come hither look, and he was staring me down so hard I swear I could feel him looking right into the core of my being.

We were both oozing sex. Dang!

After our circling, we moved into a side corte and then into closed hold to begin the basic Tango step.

And then he did something that so completely destroyed my perception of him, I doubt I will ever recover from it.

While we were waiting for instruction in closed hold, I looked up at him. He looked down and smiled at me and then raised one eyebrow. And then raised the other eyebrow. And then alternated between the two. Then he started to wiggle his ears. First his left, then his right, then both of them at the same time. Then he did the eyebrows and the ears all at the same time.

And then I almost threw up in my own mouth.

That little demonstration of muscle control is EXACTLY what my ex husband would do to impress people.

I *know* he's not my ex. But the fact that he looks like my ex and now he's doing the same juvenile tricks is just too much for me to ignore.

All the same warning bells I had with Crazy Flags went off like a six alarm blaze in my mind.

And that is it. My crush on Mr. David is officially over.