Tummy Flutter

I'm so deprived of attention from men that even the tiniest gesture sends my tummy into a tizzy.

Here's an email exchange with one of the instructors that teaches at the college where I work.

On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 10:17 AM, Paprika wrote:
Subject: Your Package

Hey man,

Did you get my voicemail about the package that arrived for you at the office? What do you want me to do with it?

P

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 10:57 AM, Black Glove Killer wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

Nice subject line.

You can do whatever you want with my package.

And NO I did not get that message???!!!

I'll grab it today.

BGK

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 11:03 AM, Paprika wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

*clears throat

I wasn't going to go there, but since you did.... ;)

I left you a voicemail on your cell phone the other day when the package arrived.

Hmm....deleting my messages without even listening to them? For shame Mr. Killer. My heart breaks.

I'll see you later today then.

Paprika :)

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 11:04 AM, Black Glove Killer wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

Yowza...

See you later
BGK

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 12:05 PM, Black Glove Killer wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

Eeep....can't come today. Will swing by Thursday.

BGK

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 12:06 PM, Paprika wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

Okie dokie. It'll be here, with me. You may have to bribe me for it. :)

See you Thursday.

P

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On Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 12:09 PM, Black Glove Killer wrote:
Subject: RE: Your Package

Whatever the coin of your realm, I'll be pleased to ante up.

It took me a while before I could respond to that last email. What I wanted to say, and what I ended up saying are about as far apart as two statements can possibly be. I replied with "A Kit Kat always works."

That was the most exciting hour I've had in a looooooooong time. Too bad he's married.

Change of Plan

I was all set to go off the pill starting tomorrow. However, after phoning my family doctor about an entirely different matter, I was informed that the last pap I had came back abnormal.

This news, of course, sent me into a panic. This is the second time this has happened. The last time it turned out to be nothing. And it's almost certain this time it will again be nothing.

However, that doesn't stop me from thinking that I'm going to die from cancer.

I made the decision to stay on the pill because according to a few studies, or at least a few websites, the pill protects against ovarian cancer. As far as cancer goes, that's a super bad one to get.

So much for some extra money to eat and/or drink away.

Juxtaposition

I get really unnerved when I have strong opposing feelings about the same thing. It's just like being really thirsty and having to pee at the same time.

I'm feeling that right now. I'm very happy yet very sad about the same thing.

It's keeping me up at night. And I get very cranky when I don't sleep.

Harmony

One of the (only) things I love about the subway system in Toronto is the ever changing line up of musicians that play in the underground.

The stop where I get off for work has a variety of performers who rotate through. One guy plays the steel drums, another guy plays Latin music on the guitar, another act is a duo who wear prison outfits and do stuff from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?", and my favourite guy who plays jazzy stuff on a wicked silver jazz guitar. Oh and there's a guy that plays this. He wears sunglasses and pretends to be blind but I know he isn't. I guess that's just part of the mystique of his act.

So back to my favourite guy on the metal jazz box. I really like this dude for several reasons. The first being he's a wicked awesome guitar player. The second, he's ALWAYS got a smile on his face.

I know from experience how hard it is to play for people who just don't give a shit and are probably doing everything they can to tune you out.

But this guy really gives it. He performs for us. All of us. Including those of us wearing ear buds and blasting music from our MP3 players into our heads.

I'm one of those people. Ever since I received an iPod as a gift a few months ago, I listen to it everywhere I go. I don't ever play it so loud that I can't hear my surroundings. But I do have it at a volume that provides me a shield from the rest of the city's rush hour buzzing.

I have noticed an interesting thing happens whenever I come across him playing at my stop. I'll come up from the subway platform with my music playing in my head and without fail, whatever he happens to be playing, it will be in the same key as the song I'm listening to.

The first time it happened I thought it was a funny one-in-a-million happenstance. But then it happened again. And again. To the point where I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I actually stopped walking to listen to what was playing in my head, and to what he was playing for the crowd.

It matched. Perfectly.

And my smile matched his. Perfectly.

I Scream, I Swear, I Want to Kill People

I was driving back to Toronto today from a quick, yet super fun visit with the family in Niagara.

I was listening to the Jason Mraz album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things". I've become very fond of this CD. I listened to it a lot while I was in Australia. It provided me with sense of being grounded and centered during a time when there was a lot of uncertainty.

The drive was pretty uneventful for the most part. But then I hit the stretch of the Gardiner between Kipling and Spadina, and everyone is suddenly driving like they are Mario Andretti. I believe it's partly due to the fact that particular stretch of the highway was featured in a video game called "Cruis'n The World".

I'm minding my own business when all of a sudden, this asshole comes in from the right and cuts me off. After which, he slams on his breaks FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I start swearing my head off and honking my horn and really considering ramming my car into the back of his stupid ass when the first bars of the song "Details in the Fabric" start playing.

Calm down. Deep breaths.

Thanks Jason. You saved me yet again.

Amnesia

For the third time this month, I've forgotten to take my pill until really late in the day. I'm starting to wonder why I'm suddenly forgetting to take something that I've consistently taken every day for the last decade.

Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in almost a year that my brain doesn't feel like devoting energy to remembering to take something that will prevent pregnancy when I'm not even doing it anymore.

At least at this time last year I was still boinking someone. He was an asshole, but it was sex nonetheless. And because he was an asshole, I had to make extra sure I didn't get knocked up.

Today's (late) pill marked the end of a pack, which will require a refill.

I'm thinking I'm not going to get that refill. I don't have benefits at work anymore, and I could really use the extra $30 a month.

The only thing I'm certainly going to miss is knowing exactly when my period is supposed to arrive. I remember when I was a kid, I HATED the fact that my cycle wasn't exact every month. There was one particular nasty surprise in Grade 9 English class that made me want to carve out my own uterus.

But I'll have an extra $30 a month to buy chocolate to make myself feel better. :)

Playing House

The idea that I'll live out the rest of my life alone makes me profoundly sad.

I feel as though I've reached that moment when you just have to accept the situation for what it actually is. No amount of wishing, hoping, crying, praying, dreaming or anything can change it.

The inevitable finally becomes truth.

I am, and always will be, alone.

And the way I cope with this is to pretend that someone is sharing a life with me.

A little while ago, when I still had teeny bit of hope that things would change, I went out and bought myself a ring. Not just any ring, but the ring I would want to be my engagement ring. The stones aren't real and neither is the metal, but the design is exactly what I'd want.

I thought by having this ring, the vibe will go out across the Universe and land on the man who I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And somehow it would speed up the process and he'd get here sooner rather than later.

At home, when I'm feeling alone, I'll slip the ring on my left hand and pretend that Mr. Right had given it to me as the symbol of the love and devotion that he has, and will always have, for me. Only me.

Oh, and I have a matching wedding band too. That was just by chance. I bought a set of 3 eternity rings when shopping the soaps. The "diamond" one matches my engagement ring exactly.

Sometimes I'll be ever so bold as to wear the band in public. And I notice people looking. And what I hope they're thinking is, "She is somebody's wife" or, "Someone must really love her" or even better, "Of course she's already been snapped up. He must be a really lucky guy."

Pretending helps with the crushing weight of the truth.

They say the truth hurts for a reason. Because it does. It hurts wholly and deeply and relentlessly.

Full Circle

Working at a private film college is a lot of fun. Especially when the students ask you to be in their films. I've been cast in a short film, which is one of their final projects, to play the wife of the main character who is a writer.

The students remarked they were having a "hard time" finding someone who was "old enough" to play opposite me.

After I gently reminded them I can change all their grades to zero, I told them I'd go through my mental Rolodex of male friends who can act.

Within two seconds, Brian popped in my mind. I emailed him and asked if he'd come for an audition - he said yes, of course.

When he showed up, I introduced him to the students and told them how we've known each other since grade school, and how he was also my first stage kiss.

Of course, Brian nailed the audition and now he's gonna be my onscreen hubby.

In my mind, it's the conclusion to the story that started 20 years ago with a first kiss. I'm so glad they lived happily ever after.

Good Boots

I've been in my band for 3 years now. I'm the lead singer and the only female. The guys have always put some pressure on me to dress up and look more like a hot, sexy chick rather than my usual t-shirt & jeans self.

When I was out shopping for a Halloween costume at Value Village, I found a really cool retro dress and a pair of awesome green leather boots. All for the low, low price of $24.83. I picked them up thinking I'd dress up as a 60's go-go girl. I didn't end up wearing them for Halloween. My best friend's dad passed away the night before, so I didn't go out this year.

I had mentioned the outfit to the guys at rehearsal. I told them I was going to wear it for our next gig.

I showed up last night in my dress and boots. My bass player said, "Oh, those are nice boots. I was worried when you told us they were green."

Thanks buddy. I know I'm not exactly a fashionista however, I know a good pair of boots when I see them.

Comments like that make me want to crawl into a hole and die. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Glee

My new favourite show is Glee. I can really identify with the character of Rachel Berry, played by Lea Michele. She's a misfit with a passion for singing show tunes.

I now have an hour each week where I am truly happy. I can forget about everything and just be completely sucked into the world of Glee.

If there was a way for me to live my life spontaneously bursting into classic pop songs and show tunes, I'd totally sign up.

There's nothing like the sound of music.

A few friends of mine have mentioned that I remind them of Rachel, and vice versa. I hope it's the insanely talented singer part of her character, and not the snooty diva who is incapable of making friends.

I now have a goal to land a role on that show and belt out some Janis Joplin tunes. I think I could play Rachel's older, totally kick ass cousin. I would want to play her sister but it was established in the pilot episode that she's an only child with two gay dads.

Lest We Forget

I remembered my moment of silence at 11:00am.

I did not remember to take my birth control pill until now.

Onward

I can't not blog. So I'm shifting gears and moving onward.

I'm done chronicling my divorce. And now I'm done chronicling my single life (not because I'm no longer single, I'm just no longer interested in actively trying to find that special guy).

Now I'm just going to write about my life.

Let's see where this ship takes me.