Free Fall

So we've made the decision that I'm going off the pill when I finish the current package, which means I'll be swallowing my last pill in 22 days.

I'm thrilled and terrified and excited and terrified. Did I mention I'm terrified?

I haven't been off the pill since I was 18 years old. I can remember with technicolour clarity how vicious my period was prior to being on the pill. I wanted to rip out my uterus and throw it into a freezer until I needed it for childbearing. PMS would hit me so hard that I would spend days bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason. My father wanted to take me to a psychiatrist to find out why his child was a basket case.  My family doctor told him it was normal.  Yeah, I don't think wanting to commit suicide for a week out of every month would be considered quite normal however my insanity wasn't due to any other mental health issue. So my doc did the right thing by putting me on the pill. The fact that I was sexually active was really just a minor consideration.

I'm scared of having a natural period again. I'm hoping we shoot and score right out of the gate because I really don't want to see what happens after I ovulate for the first time in almost 20 years.

It's strange how I'm finding myself scared at the prospect of finally having a child, when this is something that I've always wanted.  I think it's mostly the change that will happen to my body that I'm afraid of rather than having the responsibility of raising a child - that part I can handle.  The thought of pushing that little one from my loins is what's making me freak right out.

It's a big change going from spending my entire adult life doing everything I can to prevent a pregnancy to letting it all blow in the breeze.  Weeeeeeeeeeird.