Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Because I'm 5'4"

After I finished yesterday's post, I had a full fledged breakdown in my office. I shut the door and bawled my eyes out for about 2 hours.

By a small miracle, no one needed me during that time so I was able to lose my mind in the privacy of my office.

I messaged one of my friends with whom I was supposed to attend an MTV taping later in the evening, and told her I was having a bad day and I needed to bail.

She messaged me back inviting me over to her place to talk and cry and whatever else I may need to do to feel better.

I managed to stop bawling long enough to leave work and ride the subway to her place.

The minute I stepped in the door, I started crying again. I was a total mess.

I blubbed and blubbed and blubbed some more about everything I was feeling and how profoundly sad I was.

Somewhere in all that crying I said, "I wish someone would just come down from heaven and tell me why I can't find a guy. If I knew, I'd change it. Or if it couldn't be changed, I could at least accept it and move forward."

"So do that then. Make being single connected to something you can't change about yourself. Pick something you can't change."

"My height. I will always be 5'4"."

"Okay, so then think of it like that. You're single because you're 5'4".

And in that moment, she helped me find peace about the whole situation.

There already things in my life I've had to learn to cope with on a daily basis because they can't be changed. A prime example of this is the fact that I am hearing impaired.

When I was first diagnosed, I was utterly devastated. I think I cried for about 2 weeks after getting the results from the audiologist. It hit me especially hard because I am a singer and hearing is such an important part in being able to perform in tune.

After that mourning period, I accepted it and moved on. I've had to work harder at things that involve hearing, and I've had to develop ways to cope like learning how to lip read. But I haven't stopped living and loving life because of my disability. And I haven't stopped singing because of it. And I will keep going until the day I go completely deaf. Even then, I will keep on singing even if it's horribly out of tune.

And now I am going to look at my single status the same way. I am going to accept it as something I can't ever change. And to be able to wrap my brain around it, I will attribute it to my height.

The next time I start feeling sad about being single, I will remind myself I am single because I'm 5'4".

So I'm okay now.


It's ridiculous how clarity can bring immediate peace.


  1. It's funny, you have such presence I always thought of you as being tall!!

  2. I'm not feeling this at all. So this means that you'll NEVER get a dude, because your singledom is dictated by your height, which will always be the same.

    Why can't the actual reason you're single just stand alone: because the right guy hasn't come along at the right time, and you're not settling for less. I think that's a great reason to be single. The best reason. Who needs more than that?

    This whole 5'4" shit? I don't like it one bit.

  3. My dear Anne, you may not like it one bit, but thinking of it this way has helped me to cope.

    And that's really what I needed, a way to cope so I didn't slip into the abyss again.