Bod Mod

I've been feeling like I have zero control over anything that's going on in my life right now. Whenever I get like this, inevitably I either cut my hair or get a tattoo.

I remember the first time I felt this way. It was back in Grade 8, when I was working my first job at McDonald's. I was 14 years old at the time and totally in love with a 19 year old, who happened to be the boyfriend of one of my classmates who also worked at McDonald's.

Being so young and so totally naive, I had no clue he was playing both of us. He kept telling me he was going to break up with her, because it was me he truly loved. He'd pick both of us up after our shift (we always signed up for the same shifts), and he'd drop her off at home first. The excuse being that I lived closer to his house. Then he'd take me either for a drive or back to his place to listen to Alice Cooper records and make out.

Long story short, he knocked her up. I was actually there the night it happened. Her parents were away for the weekend so she decided to have a party. Of course I was invited, seeing as I was one of her closest friends and all. She confided in me she had decided that night would be *the* night. I almost threw up in my own mouth, knowing all of the nights he'd spent declaring his love for me, and how unhappy he was with her.

At one point in the evening, they both disappeared upstairs. I went to the bathroom, locked myself in, and cried and cried and cried. About an hour later, she came rushing out of her bedroom, bedsheets in hand asking, "Does anyone know how to get blood out?" It was bad enough I knew they were in there doing it, never mind seeing the evidence. I told her to wash them in cold water.

The next day, I got 8 inches chopped off my hair. My father shrieked when I came home with a lopsided bob. He kept asking me why I had done it, and I just said I felt like it. I went to my room and felt awesome. It was basically a big FU to him, because I knew how much he loved long hair.

About a week later I saw him at McDonald's dropping her off. I could see the shock on his face when he saw my hair. He starting making his way towards me, but I scurried off to the crew room in the back. I never spoke to him again.

Oh, they ended up getting married, having a few more children, and are still together. I found that out through the magic of Facebook.

Since then, I've gone on to get more haircuts and more recently, some pretty awesome tattoos. I'm a little more careful about getting inked on a whim. I actually think it's better for me to get a tattoo because I end up becoming completely engrossed with planning the design, rather than feeling anxious about losing control in my life.

The last tattoo I got during an anxious period was a "G" that ended up just under my right collar bone. I'd known for a while I wanted the "G", I just hadn't gotten around to actually getting it done.

I was at dinner one night with a friend of mine and I was telling her about a particular douche bag I'd been seeing on and off. I got so worked up while telling her the tale, I slammed down my chopsticks (we were having sushi) and declared I was going to get a tattoo RIGHT NOW!

She looked at me a bit perplexed, but she quickly got the waitress' attention and requested our bill.

We were on Queen Street West, where there are lots of tattoo shops, so it wasn't hard to find one that was open at almost 11pm on a Tuesday night.

I spent about 20 minutes picking out the perfect cursive font for my "G". And then it was ink time! I brought my friend in with me as she'd never seen someone get inked. Ten minutes later, I was bandaged up and feeling a lot better about everything. It felt like I could breathe again.

I don't know what it is about making a decision that is so permanent that makes me feel so free. I've really been feeling trapped lately. I was about two seconds from cutting bangs myself yesterday when it occurred to me I can get a tattoo since I just donated blood. That made me put the scissors down and start research on my next tattoo.

I suppose it could be worse. I could be doing this.