Perspective

I had the opportunity yesterday to visit the wonderful family of a blogger friend of mine. I've been friends with her sister Marie for over 15 years while Beth and I have been online friends for a good 5 years.

Beth is a stay-at-home mom to 6 wonderful children.

Over the years when Marie would phone me to tell me that Beth was pregnant again (and again), I would marvel at her incredibly awesome life. She was so lucky to have a husband and a family. And then I would start to sulk that I didn't have that for myself.

Eventually I did get married and I felt like I was finally successful in my life because I was poised to start that family I'd always dreamed of. I imagined Marie phoning Beth to give her the happy news that I was expecting. And then Beth would email me to congratulate me and give me very expert advice on pregnancy and child birth.

Then I got divorced. So it was back to the drawing board and back to more sulking about not having children of my own. I've frequently bemoaned the fact that I'm done with the single life and really want to start my "grown up" life - married with kids.

Being over at Beth's gave me some clarity and perspective on that issue that I wasn't expecting.

I came to the realization that I'm not in such a rush anymore to have a family. And it's not because the kids drove me nuts or anything - they were absolutely charming, adorable and well behaved.

I was finally able to admit to myself that I'm not all the way ready to settle down.

I love the fact I could pick up and go visit Beth with no real planning. In fact, I was so blasé about it, I totally left my apartment without packing overnight things like a toothbrush or pajamas for that matter. Thank goodness for Dollarama!

I love the fact that I could go out and get completed loaded on a Monday night. I love the fact I can go to dance class three times a week. I love the fact I gig with my band at least once a month. I love the fact I could pick up and take a trip to Australia and not look back.

I think I was so wrapped up in the, "I must have a biological child before I'm too old" mentality that I tried to convince myself that I was in fact ready to give up my current awesome life.

It didn't occur to me until last night that although I don't have a family of my own, it doesn't mean that I'm failing as a person. I guess because everyone around me is married with kids, I was using that as the standard by which to measure the success in my life. And I know now that's not the case.

My life is successful because I am enjoying it.

I can now say I am truly okay with the way things are. I do believe that eventually, and with the right person, I will settle down and have a family. But I'm not hell bent on making it happen NOW.

If it turns out I can't have a biological child, I know I will feel just as fulfilled with an adopted child. I know this because of the love I still have for my former stepdaughter, and because of the love I have for my best friends' children, my coworkers' children, and now Beth's children.

I can't wait to go visit them again. And maybe next time I'll remember to pack a change of underwear.